Dada Life are a perfectly acceptable electronic band just trying to give a big fan a sample of their new song. Unfortunately, the girl’s reaction is the most awkward thing you’ve ever seen.
Her body wants to explode out of her body. Looking at her body, I’d say we’re halfway there.
You asked for more Surprised Patrick and we deliver. Here is volume III of the Surprised Patrick animated GIF meme.
(Volume I and Volume II in case you missed it).
Welcome to GIFterpiece Theatre–Guyism’s daily installment of the internet’s best GIFs. Check out some of our favorites from the world of celebs, TV, sports and humor.
15 Surprised Patrick on party boat
14 Surprised Patrick watching dudes twerking
13 Surprised Patrick watching people do drugs
12 Surprised Patrick at Red Wedding
11 Surprised Patrick on a seal
10 Surprised Patrick watching a guy shower
9 Surprised Patrick flying down the stairs
8 Surprised Patrick at Mufasa’s death
7 Surprised Patrick in the Fight Club
6 Surprised Patrick with his buddy Nicki Minaj
5 No shit Sherlock said Surprised Patrick
4 Surprised Patrick might be gay (and there’s nothing wrong with that)
3 Surprised Patrick in a Polaroid
2 Patrick stops a shooting
1 Don’t hate on Surprised Patrick
GIF credit: Surprised Patrick Tumblr
YouTube
Everybody has something in their past that’s weird or embarrassing. Of course, when you’re an actor, those weird and embarrassing things tend to be immortalized on film and a-holes like me seek out those embarrassing and weird moments for purposes of mockery. Of course, some of these early pre-fame performances are just a little bit weirder than the rest and because we here at Guyism believe in preserving history, we thought we’d gather these performances together in one informative place. You know, for posterity. Oh, and for relentless mockery too. Can’t forget that. Anyway, in that spirit, here are nine of the weirdest pre-fame celebrity cameos.
9 Jack Nicholson – ‘Little Shop of Horrors’
Yeah, that’s Jack Nicholson as a dude who gets off on going to the dentist, and more specifically as a dude who gets off on the pain inflicted by his dentist. It’s not so much that it’s weird to see Nicholson play this kind of role – honestly it kind of fits him – as it is that this role existed in the first place. I mean, there are a lot of weird fetishes in the world, but dentistry? Whoever wrote Little Shop of Horrors probably needs to be committed. But hey, kudos to Jack for making the role extra weird by, well, by acting like an especially hammy version of Jack Nicholson.
8 Jackie Chan – ‘Snake in the Eagle’s Shadow’
For maximum weirdness fast forward to about the 1:15 mark where Jackie is given what appears to be a backbreaker by his weird old Chinese Kung Fu master and then rocked like a baby before, uh, I don’t even know what in the hell to call it – reverse crab walking? It’s weird as hell. That aside, the whole training montage in the film is weird, with the old man randomly attacking and abusing Jackie. It’s like one of the training montages from Rocky on acid.
7 Adam Sandler – ‘The Cosby Show’
There was no way I could keep Sandler’s appearance on Cosby off this list. I mean just the thought of Adam friggin’ Sandler interacting with Bill Cosby is enough to make me laugh, what with each of them doing weird voices and pulling stupid cartoon faces. It would probably look like two mental patients having an argument. But that mental image aside, the whole idea of Adam Sandler on The Cosby Show just seems completely incongruous, doesn’t it? I just can’t wrap my head around it because it’s too weird. Just looking at the picture makes me want to laugh.
6 Clint Eastwood – ‘Revenge of the Creature’
It’s not really the role that’s weird – Clint plays a lab assistant – but that Clint seems completely unhinged. It’s obvious that this is a dude who should not be playing lab assistants. In his first shot he looks like he’s on meth or something, with a weirdly pinched desperate expression on his face as he gibbers on about lab rats. Of course it doesn’t help that his acting here is atrocious, amateurish dreck that makes you wonder how the hell he broke it big in the first place. Then again, for the first decade of his career Clint barely had to speak in his movies. He just had to stand around, look cool and shoot the occasional douchebag. I guess he should just be thankful that Sergio Leone never made him act with rats.
5 Ron Jeremy – ‘Ghostbusters’
Columbia Pictures
Unfortunately, there’s no clip here, just a still, but that’s because Jeremy’s appearance in Ghostbusters amounted to a quick blink and you’ll miss him shot as an extra in the crowd. Because I’m weird I like to imagine Jeremy hanging around the set exchanging sex tips with Slimer or calling his junk a “proton pack.” This one is weird because, well hell, it’s Ron Jeremy in Ghostbusters. I guess now we know where they got the goo for the sliming scene.
4 Sean Connery – ‘Darby O’Gill and the Little People’
This is weird because it’s James Bond as an Irish caricature singing like a damn fool. I can only assume he later choked out the carriage driver with piano wire, downed a Martini – shaken, not stirred – and then sexed up his costar before the little people in the movie’s title kidnapped her and tied Connery to a conveyor belt with a diamond cutting laser at the end of it. In fact, from now on, I declare that to be the plot to Darby O’Gill and the Little People. It’s the lost Bond musical.
3 Jeremy Renner – ‘Senior Trip’
Renner sums it up nicely with his first line in the clip – this sucks. I’ve seen this movie an embarrassing number of times and until very recently I had no idea that Jeremy Renner played the lead. I mean, yeah, that’s obviously him but goddammit, that’s not the Jeremy Renner we’ve all come to know. That’s pretty much a totally different dude, which is what makes this so weird. If you would have told me that the dude who played Dags in Senior Trip would go on to take over the Bourne franchise and be one of the Avengers I would have started wandering the streets wearing a sandwich board and proclaiming that the end was near because, come on, there’s weird and then there’s friggin’ Dags turning into an action hero. Then again, in the clip he does show a propensity for doing some “Van Damage” so… who knows?
2 Laurence Fishburne – ‘Pee-Wee’s Playhouse’
Yup, that’s Laurence Fishburne aka Morpheus aka the badass dad in Boyz ‘N the Hood dressed as a gay cowboy taking love advice from an animatronic cow while Pee-Wee Herman cackles like an idiot in the background. I don’t have to say anything else. Just read that first sentence again.
1 Ryan Gosling – ‘The Mickey Mouse Club’
You might have heard that Ryan Gosling, also known as the brooding dude who your girlfriend would smother you in your sleep just to be with for two seconds, used to be on The Mickey Mouse Club, but it’s one thing to hear about it and another thing entirely to see it. So, just watch the clip. Gosling shows up at about the 35 second mark, singing backup on Jodeci’s “Cry For You” alongside another young unknown dude named Justin Timberlake. Yeah, this is a thing that actually happened. Skip ahead to about the 1:35 mark and I promise you that you will never look at Ryan Gosling the same way again. Good God.
(Previously published on September 4, 2012.)
Lily Aldridge had us a little bit worried a while back when it was announced she was getting married. Then we worried again when she got pregnant. But as you can see, things have turned out pretty well. Not only is Lily Aldridge looking sexier than ever, she’s been more than willing to share her journey as a Victoria’s Secret model with us on Instagram (as any model with any good sense would do). Lily doesn’t share a lot, and though there is a startling lack of behind the scenes and/or vacation lingerie and bikini pictures, she still does a pretty good job of mixing in the sexy with the informative. Nicely done.
Want to see more women who kill it on Instagram? Just click here and here.
Photo credit: Lily Aldridge, Instagram
News anchor Natasha Exelby was trying to discuss the riots in Brazil when a case of the giggles struck. Never has laughter been so poorly timed.
Exelby issued an apology at the end of her report saying, “I just wanted to apologise I got a case of the giggles a little bit
earlier while reading some very serious news and if I have offended anyone I am sincerely sorry.”
She also spent the morning apologizing on Twitter.
Some people enjoy a good joke, some people laugh at someone tripping on a banana peel, and some people find the collapse of a building that killed five people to be a real rib tickler. No shame there, Tash.
This weekly feature is a round-up, in conjunction with our friend Tim over at Cool Material, of the hot new products appearing online this week. From fashion tips to cool gadgets and gear, take a look at your new obsessions.
 Cool Material The cork handle on the stainless steel blade allows the knife to float when dropped in water. |
 Etsy The Vintage Film Canisters Print highlights 20 different film holsters all set and ready to be dropped off at your local One Hour Photo. |
 OldBug This curious creation by VW has 4-wheel drive (in first gear only) and a propeller that drops down for amphibious activities. |
 Helix The Helix Cork lets you simply twist the cork to get it off and put it back on your opened bottle. |
 Kickstarter The Federal Part II deck designed by Jackson Robinson is a stylish ode to the almighty dollar. |
 Ommegang Take The Black Stout clocks in at 7% ABV and is “as dark as the winters that once engulfed Westeros.” |
 Triple Aught Design Due to the smart design of the blade, you can use this Micro Hatchet with one hand and cut through harder objects than you’d imagine. |
 Monster Children We can’t even imagine the amount of paperwork it takes to get three brands of this caliber together for one product, but the Multi-Tool they came up with is awesome. |
Does the headline not make sense right now? Trust me when I say it will immediately after watching this 13 second video.
What a Cartmanish response all around. Here’s hoping the kid was the bully and not the one being bullied. If so, his mating song is the backdrop to the triumph of good over evil.
When a concrete mixer decides to make its way into the middle of a busy road, all you can hope is that you’re not in its path of destruction.
As the YouTube uploader mentions, the guy at 0:12 in better be counting every last one of his blessings today. Guy didn’t even speed up and still barely got out of that concrete mixer crushing his tiny little car like a bug. Assuming he’s able to get out of his car with a pair of pants full of feces and urine, he needs to hit the nearest deli and get a lotto ticket stat.
Good stuff from around the Web to help you through the rest of the weekend.
SI Extra Mustard
Andi Muise Brings Back Sweet Memories
Dogs Wearing Underwear: Need We Say More?
15 Uncivil Facebook Posts
Why The Kate Upton “Topless” Video is Complete Horse Shit
Bad Girls Bend at the Waist (NSFWish)
Popoholic
Daniela Freitas in a Tiny Bikini
Dumbest Sports Fans Ever Interviewed
25 Best College Towns to Live This Summer
Liz is a Really Good Lingerie Model (NSFWish)
100 Hottest Heat & Spurs Superfan Photos
Heavy
Sofia Vergara’s Hottest Instagram Photos
Scariest Photobomb Ever
This Week in Unnecessary Censorship (Video)
How to Get Through Your Sex Slump
Anna Kournikova is in a Bikini
DrunkenStepfather
Nina Agdal’s May/June Instagram Pics
Why Do We Reward Stupidity?
25 of the Funniest 5-Second Films Ever
Woman’s Selfie Catches Pickpocket
Erin Heatherton and Adriana Lima Sell Lingerie Topless
Wing walker Jane Wicker and her pilot Charlie Schwenker were tragically killed today during a performance at a Dayton Air Show. The plane appeared unsteady during an inverted dive and cartwheeled to the ground with Wicker on the wing. The video is not for the faint of heart.
woodleywonderworks, Flickr
Is it the size of the ship or the motion of the ocean? This eternal and thought-provoking question has been passed down from generation to generation and it focuses on man’s desire to have the third leg of a tri-pod, rather than a fresh fall acorn attached to his crotchoidial area. Certainly there are reasons for the whole well-endowed, “bigger is better” argument, but there are also some things that make sporting a massive glockenspiel downright frustrating. Thoughts?
Photo credit: woodleywonderworks, Flickr
6 It Makes You Lazy
Cali4beach, Flickr
Guys with tadpoles need to know how to f&ck way more than guys with flagpoles. If a guy’s got a wang that’s thicker than the base of a Coke can, all he’s gotta do is sit there and let it do all the work for him, right? Nope, the vagina is only one of many erogenous zones on a woman’s body and it’ll take more than an over-sized crotch-limb to love her fully and completely.
Photo credit: Cali4beach, Flickr
5 You’re Going to Hurt Her
Sara G…, Flickr
Whether it’s too long or too thick, you’re going to hurt her at some point. The average vaginal canal is only 5.8″ deep when she’s aroused, so slap a tape measure on your junk and do the math. Then use a protractor, a bubble level and a scientific calculator, just to be certain. By the way, hurting the lady’s lady-parts means ixnay on the uttbay-exsay or eepday-roat-thay unless she’s particularly gifted and uh…durable.
Photo credit: Sara G…, Flickr
4 You’re a Piece of Meat
modomatic, Flickr
If you’re a regular ol’ wang Johnson, then women will talk about it and word will get around. Pretty soon, you’re going to be just a sweet-sweet piece of meat-meat to be taken out for a test drive. Actually, that sounds pretty awesome… What may not be awesome, though, is trying to suss out which women are using you for your imposing man-member and which ones actually like you for your personality. Okay…again, women using men for sex sounds awesome. I’m not sure how this made it onto the list.
Photo credit: modomatic, Flickr
3 Other Men are Jealous
Derrick Coetzee, Flickr
Hell hath no fury like a pencil-penised man, forever scorned by the genetic short straw. Ever heard of penis envy? Try avoiding that while at a public urinal.
Photo credit: Derrick Coetzee, Flickr
2 It’s Harder to Hide
Queque*, Flickr
Say you’re in middle school and you’ve been called up to the blackboard to work out a long division problem. Then, all of a sudden you have a long division problem multiplying in your pants because you’re so nervous. If you had a short-stack, your classmates might not notice. But if you’re all rooty tooty fresh ‘n’ fruity down there, then you may be making a very visual statement to the entire class. I’m not sure why I used both math and pancakes as euphemisms, but now I want to go to IHOP.
Photo credit: Queque*, Flickr
1 It Gets in the Way
indi.ca, Flickr
Whether you’re doing a dance routine and rotating it like a phallic pinwheel or getting it caught in your zipper because you didn’t take your time rolling it up like a fire-hose first before tucking it away, being the owner of impressive dickkery is not easy to manage. You’ll have to be extraordinarily vigilant to go a lifetime without There’s Something About Mary-themed accidents happening.
Photo credit: indi.ca, Flickr
(Previously published on November 2, 2012.)
jlwelsh, Flickr
You’ve all heard of deep fried Twinkies and Oreos, no doubt, but what about some of the more out of the ordinary heart-cloggers at your summer festival or state fair? Have your cardiologist on speed dial and get ready to pop a Zantac; here are some of the craziest fried foods available at state fairs.
Photo credit: jlwelsh, Flickr
11 Deep Fried Bubble Gum
Collin Harvey, Flickr
This won the Most Creative award at the 2011 Texas State Fair. That’s all well and good but…deep fried bubble gum? Dafuq is that? Are you supposed to chew it? Are you supposed to swallow it? So many questions…so few arterial valves.
Photo credit: Collin Harvey, Flickr
10 Deep Fried Kool-Aid
jlwelsh, Flickr
If you didn’t think deep frying something that was a liquid and making it into a solid (okay, a really oily solid) was possible, then you’ve never met a state fair. This debuted in San Diego in 2011 and was sold at a rate of about 500 balls per day.
Photo credit: jlwelsh, Flickr
9 Deep Fried Coca-Cola
Stephen Witherden, Wikimedia Commons
Ah, nothing like taking a crisp, refreshing soda and making it into an edible creation. In the same vein as fried Kool-Aid, fried Coca-Cola is Coke-flavored batter that’s been deep-fried and topped with Coca-Cola syrup, whipped cream and cinnamon-sugar. This bad boy debuted at the 2006 Texas State Fair. Is there anything Texans can’t fry!?
Photo credit: Stephen Witherden, Wikimedia Commons
8 Deep Fried Beer
medea_material, Flickr
This holy conglomeration of fried food and beer made its debut at the Texas State Fair in 2010. The beer is poured into a pretzel dough pocket and deep fried for about 20 seconds. So it’s still alcoholic. Perfect.
Photo credit: medea_material, Flickr
7 Deep Fried Bacon
This isn’t crazy so much as crazy delicious. And it’s bacon.
Photo credit: YouTube/Travel Channel
6 Deep Fried Spaghetti and Meatballs on a Stick
The Minnesota State Fair has made their contribution; it’s Italian, it’s American and it’s something else altogether. It’s a mash of meat and pre-cooked spaghetti formed into balls, dipped in a garlic batter, deep-fried and then served with marinara sauce. It’s a meal on a stick.
Photo credit: YouTube
5 Deep Fried Cactus Bites
These chicken fried cactus bites are – as you may have guessed – a Texas State Fair offering. Hand-picked prickly pear cactus pads with a slice of chicken, chicken fried and then served with a jalapeno ranch and sweet nectar dipping sauces. Why does that sound so good?
Photo credit: imgur
4 Deep Fried Picnic on a Stick
Rodolfo G., Yelp
The deep fried Picnic on a Stick is spicy chicken, tater tots and pickles battered and fried around an unassuming wooden stick and served with a choice of sauces. God damn you Texas for making awesome food even more awesome.
Photo credit: Rodolfo G., Yelp
3 Deep Fried Sugar Cubes
Oh my good god-ness. This was available at the Texas State Fair in 2012. You could go with fried sugar – a fried sugar cube topped with caramel (which, as you may know is a gooey substance also made of sugar). But why would you decide to go on a diet when the state fair is happening? Instead you may want to go for the deep fried sugar cube double-dipped in chocolate or vanilla batter.
Photo credit: imgur
2 Deep Fried Cinnamon Rolls
A vendor at the California State Fair offered this one to customers in 2012. It’s the food equivalent of asking, “Would you like to get fat, today?”
Photo credit: YouTube
1 Deep Fried Sticks of Butter
Ryan, Flickr
Since butter is something already used to fry things, we can only consider this the ultimate in fat-ception. America out America’s itself with this one that debuted at the Texas State Fair in 2009. It consists of an entire stick of butter on a stick dipped into a cinnamon-honey batter and then deep-fried to perfection. Betcha can’t just eat one…without also going to the emergency room.
Photo credit: Ryan, Flickr
Chris Brown image by Helga Esteb/Shutterstock
Chris Brown has once again been accused of assaulting a woman. Second verse, same as the first.
According to TMZ, Brown injured a 24-year-old girl inside a night club Saturday night where he had just performed. Deanna Gines says that she was in the VIP section with Brown at Heat Ultra Lounge in Anaheim when she claims that he shoved her to ground as the bar was about to close. She says that it was deliberate and that she has filed a police report. She also says that she has torn ligaments in her knee as a result of the shove and may need surgery.
If this turns out to be true, do you think fans will ever forgive Chris Brown? Hahaha! Oh, man, that was a good one. Unless he kills someone, they’ll always forgive him. And even then the odds will probably still be in his favor. ‘MURICA!
Chris Brown Accused of Assaulting Girl Inside Nightclub [TMZ]
Just when you thought it was possible to masturbate to any video of Jennifer Lawrence on the Internet, a wild Jonah Hill mouth appears.
Why stop there? Let’s get Jonah Hill’s body in the Mystique paint and complete the mindfuck double play. Our dicks won’t know what hit them!
What did dandelions do to earn this dog’s wrath? We may never know.
That dog may think he’s won the battle but the war has just begun. I wouldn’t be shocked to see an entire bouquet of dandelions showing up at his door with a lot of questions to ask and vengeance to extract. (via Dlisted)
Discovery used Nick Wallenda’s Skywire Live as an opportunity to pimp Shark Week with their Snuffy the Seal commercial. I loved the spot because seals killed my family. Don’t get too excited though, Shark Week doesn’t start until August 4th. Until then you’ll just have to watch more shows about pawning, catching, and surviving things on any of their 30 mediocre shows, all of which could use a lot more Tracy Pendergast.
Bleacher Report
Granted, many coaches are former athletes with all that chick magnet magic, but some are married to stone cold foxes that are way out of their league.
Last week we showed you the behind the scenes video of Jenny McCarthy’s sexy Carl’s Jr. commercial. Here’s the final version. While this Cranberry Apple Walnut Grilled Chicken Salad commercial isn’t quite as sexy as Nina Agdal’s, Sara Jean Underwood’s, Kate Upton’s, or even Heidi Klum’s, it does have the one thing that Jenny McCarthy was hired for. Well, the two things. So mission accomplished, I guess.
Want a little more Jenny McCarthy? We’ve got a little more right here.
Photo credit: YouTube/Carl’s Jr.
Somehow, these President Obama supercuts into song still work for me. In the latest, our embattled President takes a break to belt out Daft Punk’s chart topper “Get Lucky”.
The big question here: Why was there a video of President Obama brushing his hair somewhere on the Internet? Who on his team released that and thought it’d make us view him more favorably as a President? And is there any way to not look like a complete wad when brushing your hair?
Need answers.
CBS
I suggest watching hockey tonight, even if you’re not a hockey fan. You’ll thank me later, trust me.
Under the Dome @ 10pm, CBS: This miniseries is sort of based on a Stephen King novel which probably means it’s going to be freaky as hell.
Blackhawks-Bruins @ 8pm, NBC: Will the NHL season come to a conclusion tonight? The Bruins sure hope it doesn’t.
The Goodwin Games @ 8:30pm, FOX: Sure, why not, there’s nothing else on except hockey.
POV @ 10pm, PBS: Sadly, this documentary isn’t about boobs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live @ 11:37pm, ABC: Guyism favorite Amy Schumer is Jimmy’s guest tonight.
