True story: Ndamukong Suh shot and killed a man on Sunday. Then he ripped out his eyes and peed in the sockets. It was pretty gross.
That might be a lie. But is it? Is it really? Suh is ultimately responsible for the decline of Western Civilization. Here are some other plays Suh had a hand in over the weekend.
Suh told this player to take off his opponents’ helmet and beat him with it so he could be a member of the cool kids’ club
Suh sent over a fruit basket with e.coli to Jason Witten
Suh told this guy to pants his competitors because the NFL needed more female fans
Suh told Terrelle Pryor that you get bonuses if you take out a member of the chain gang
Suh told Clay Matthews that he could star alongside Ben Affleck in Batman vs. Superman
Suh told LeSean McCoy to use amphetamines because he could be Barry Sanders
And there’s your proof folks. Ndamukong Suh is an evil man. He shouldn’t be in the league, he should be incarcerated.