In today’s Guyism Speed Round, it doesn’t matter what happens. You should be crying.
Tell Katie how much you’ll miss her on Guyism by tweeting her @KatieNolan.
Tune in to the latest edition of the Guyism Podcast for an hour long interview with Katie about her time with Guyism, her thoughts on everything, and more on her new job.
We’ll announce who’s replacing Katie as the new host of the Speed Round next week! Subscribe on YouTube for more.
Woman sunbathing image by Shutterstock
A few years ago we ranked the 25 sexiest countries in the world. Since then we’re discovered hundreds more beautiful women from around the globe. Time to update the list!
Mind you, this list isn’t based on the average woman walking down the street. It’s based on models, actresses, athletes, you know, the famous people. As you look through this list just keep two things in mind: (1) you will disagree with the list, and (2) there are over 1,000 sexy women listed here (we added over 500 since last time) so don’t whine too loudly when you do. (Also, if you print out the pics on each page and cut them out, you’ve got a HOT BABES OF THE WORLD TRADING CARD set!!)
Enjoy!
(NOTE: PREVIOUS RANK FOR EACH COUNTRY IN PARENTHESIS)
Photo credit: Woman sunbathing image by Shutterstock
25 Denmark (25)
Guyism Composite
Let’s face facts here. Nina Agdal is all the reason we need to put Denmark on this list. But when you throw in models like Louise Pederson, May Anderson, Helena Christensen, Dioni Tabbers and others, Denmark becomes a lock.
Other sexy Danish women of note: Anine Bing, Anna Trosko, Cecile Thomsen, Celina Hilslev, Ditte Campion, Emily Sears, Malene Espensen (above), Mia Rosing, Pia Muehlenbeck, Sharin Foo
24 Portugual (21)
Guyism Composite
The recent addition of Sara Sampaio to the Victoria’s Secret stable keeps Portugal on the list. Not that a country boasting women like Dania Neto, Claudia Borges and Bastet Xutos needed any help. Unfortunately, of the Portuguese women we discovered the past few years, Sara Sampaio was the only woman with major international bonafides to really catch our eye.
Other sexy Portuguese women of note: Ana Free, Catarina Jardim, Claudia Borges (above), Claudia Vieira, Diana Pereira, Helena Costa, Iva Domingues, Joana Duarte, Liliana Campos, Liliana Queiroz (above), Luciana Abreu, Lucia Garcia, Mafalda Teixeira, Nadia Lopes, Rita Andrade, Sara Hilario, Sara Santos
23 Romania (23)
Guyism Composite
The sexiest addition to this list of Romanian women has got to be one Madalina Ghenea, ex-girlfriend of Leonardo DiCaprio (thank you for the introduction, Leo). Of course, we were already fascinated with Alina Vacariu and Alina Puscau, but Catrinel Menghia’s Fiat commercials and her continued dominance of everything sexy keeps Romania firmly in the top 25.
Other sexy Romanian women of note: Andreea Mantea, Antonia Iacobescu, Cristina Dochianu, Diana Dumitrescu, Elena Gheorghe, Gina Pistol, Laura Cosoi, Monica Barladeanu, Monica Dascalu, Oana Zavoranu, Otilia Aionesei, Roxana Tanase, Valentina Pelinel
22 Ukraine (17)
Guyism Composite
Over the past few years the Ukraine hasn’t been the dominant sexy force it once was. (“The Ukraine not weak.”) Sure, we still love Karina Smirnoff (especially in Playboy), and sure Mila Kunis is still Mila Kunis, but we haven’t seen much new blood come out of the Ukraine recently.
Other sexy Ukrainian women of note: Ani Lorak, Anna Sedokova, Anna Zakusylo, Dasha Astafieva (above), Katie Fey (above), Milla Jovovich (above), Larysa Poznyak, Lilya Kulik, Luba Shumeyko, Natalia Chabanenko, Natasha Yarovenko, Olga Kurylenko, Olga Maliouk, Ruslana, Tatyana Vorzheva
21 Venezuela (24)
Guyism Composite
Venezuela moves up a few notches based on our discovery of several women: Monica Spear, Gaby Espino, Sonia Vera, the Avellan sisters – Electra and Elise, and the continued presence of women like Dayana Mendoza, Michelle Lewin, Claudia La Gatta, and Aida Yespica, among others.
Other sexy Venezuelan women of note: Anabell Rivero, Carolina Marconi, Catherine Fulop, Christina Dieckmann, Claudia Suarez, Daniella Navarro, Gabriela Paez, Jessika Grau, Lidymar Escalona, Myriam Abreu, Norelys Rodriguez (above), Norkys Batista, Patricia Fuenmeyor, Patricia Velasquez, Stefania Fernandez
20 Czech Republic (14)
Guyism Composite
Where to begin? Denise Milani is a good place to start. Also at the top of the Czech batting order would have to be Daniela Pestova, Karolina Kurkova, Petra Cubonova, and Petra Nemcova. And we haven’t even mentioned Eva Herzigova, Hana Soukupova, and Veronika Varekova yet. That’s quite a Murderer’s Row of successful models, isn’t it? Unfortunately we already knew about all of them several years ago as well. Where’s the next generation of supermodels?
Other sexy Czech women of note: Alena Seredova, Denisa Dvorakova, Helena Houdova, Jana Cova, Jitka Novackova, Paulina Porizkova, Pavlina Nemcova, Tereza Maxova, Linda Vojtova, Tat’ana Kucharova, Veronika Fasterova
19 India (16)
Guyism Composite
India is back with another strong showing lead by newcomer to this list Priyanka Chopra. Bipasha Basu, Mallika Sherawat, Freida Pinto, Padma Lakshmi and Aishwarya Rai continue to shine, but we have hardly seen Aishwarya since the last time we made this list. We have added several new names, but none of them quite have her star power yet. Maybe next time India will move up the rankings.
Other sexy Indian women of note: Chitrangada Singh, Deepika Padukone, Katrina Kaif, Koena Mitra, Lisa Haydon, Malaika Arora Khan, Minissha Lamba, Monikangana Dutta, Nargis Fakhri, Neha Dhupia, Riya Sen, Shilpa Shetty, Shruti Haasan, Shazahn Padamsee, Sonam Kapoor, Vidya Balan, Ujjwala Raut
18 France (22)
Guyism Composite
Berenice Marlohe, Clemence Poesy, Nabilla Benattia, Camille Rowe, Filippa Hamilton, Eva Green…all new names to this list forcing us to move France up a few notches. Add in mainstays Emmanuelle Beart, Constance Jablonski, Marion Cotillard, Noemie Lenoir, and Laetitia Casta and you’ve got yourself one sexy little country there.
Other sexy French women of note: Alyson Le Borges, Angelique Boyer, Aurelie Claudel, Clara Morgane, Heloise Guerin, Jennifer Lamiraqui, Laura Tanguy, Louise Bourgoin, Ludivine Sagnier, Marie Ange Casta, Marie de Villepin, Morgane Dubled, Melissa Theuriau, Sophie Marceau, Virginie Ledoyen, Vanessa Paradis
17 Germany (20)
Guyism Composite
In the past few years we have discovered several sexy German women including Lena Gercke, Janine Habeck, Romina Becks, and Toni Garrn. (Leo also discovered Toni – he’s quite the resource.) Add them – and others below – an already impressive list which includes Collien Fernandes, Hana Nitsche, Heidi Klum, Diane Kruger, and Claudia Schiffer and it’s easy to see why their ranking improved.
Other sexy German women of note: Alexandra Kamp, Anne Julia Hagen, Barbara Meier, Elisabeth Rohm, Eva Habermann, Eva Padberg (above), Franziska Knuppe (above), Jeanette Biedermann, Jessica Boehrs, Julia Stegner, Mandy Capristo, Natalia Avelon, Nina Eichinger, Nora Tschirner, Sarah Brandner, Sarah Connor, Sophia Thomalla, Verona Pooth, Veronica Hugo
16 Greece (8)
Guyism Composite
We haven’t seen many new additions to this list from The Hellenic Republic lately. Georgia Salpa is one fine exception, of course. Still, when your country has only 11 million people and you can produce gorgeous women like Julia Alexandratou, Olga Farmaki, Sasha Basta, Christina Stefanidi, Ria Antoniou, and Eva Laskari, it’s very impressive.
Other sexy Greek women of note: Artemis Alexandratou, Axia Andreadaki, Christina Koletsa, Christina Moustaka, Despina Vandi, Diana Ygropoulou, Eirini Karra, Evangelia Aravani, Evelina Papantoniou, Gina Athans, Helena Paparizou, Iliana Papageorgiou, Ioanna Ntenti, Katerina Papoutsaki, Katerina Stikoudi, Katia Zygouli, Mara Darmousli, Maria Louiza Vourou, Marietta Chrousala, Natali Thanou, Paulina Kostagiou, Patricia Millik-Peristeri, Sofia Georgiou, Stella Dimetriou, Valentini Daskaloudi
15 Netherlands (13)
Guyism Composite
The Netherlands pretty much holds serve with their ranking based on the continued presence of Marloes Horst, Doutzen Kroes, and Lara Stone, and the additions of Daphne Groeneveld, Kim Noorda, Valerie Van Der Graaf, and Bette Franke, among others. Having three supermodels at the top of their order makes for a strong lineup.
Other sexy Dutch women of note: Bregje Heinen, Cato Van Ee, Christa Meuleman, Daniella van Graas, Dewi Driegen, Esha Janssen, Famke Janssen, Frederique van der Wal, Jill de Jong, Karen Mulder, Kim Feenstra, Kim Kotter, Lonneke Engel (above), Patricia van der Vliet, Saskia de Brauw, Suzanne De Jong, Sylvia Geersen, Sylvie van der Vaart, Tatjana Simic, Yfke Sturm
14 Sweden (18)
Guyism Composite
Any country that was once home to the famous “Swedish Bikini Team” is going to have some sexy women. And with ladies like Ida Ljungqvist, Mini Anden, Petra Silander, Elsa Hosk, Frida Gustavsson, and Johanna Lundback, the legacy of their bikini team is in good hands for years to come.
Other sexy Swedish women of note: Andrea Myrander, Caroline Winberg, Dani Karlson, Elin Grindemyr, Elin Lanto, Elin Nordegren, Elita Lofblad, Helena Mattsson, Katarina Wigander, Klara Wester, Liza Berggren, Natacha Peyre, Oksana Andersson, Princess Madeleine, Victoria Silvstedt (above)
13 Poland (19)
Guyism Composite
Poland makes a big jump in ranking based on the recent succession of sexy, famous women to come to our attention like Natalia Siwiec and Monika Pietrasinska, combined with their holdovers including Joanna Krupa, Magdalena Frackowiak, Klaudia El Dursi, Ewelina Olczak, and Anja Rubik. If there’s one thing the Polish do right, it’s produce sexy lingerie models as evidenced by those aforementioned names.
Other sexy Polish women of note: Anna Jagodzinska, Angela Turkusowa, Angelika Jakubowska, Dorothy Gardias, Inez Lajblich, Izabella Miko, Kasia Smutniak, Kasia Struss, Laura Drzewicka, Magdalena Oliwa, Magdalena Wrobel, Marta Krupa, Patrycja Farbis, Patrycja Mikula, Sandra Brec, Sylwia Wojciech
12 Italy (12)
Guyism Composite
Is Italy slipping? Based on the number of new additions to this list one would have to say, “a little bit.” Still, when you boast women like Elisabetta Gregoraci, Bianca Balti, Ilary Blasi, Melissa Satta, Giorgia Palmas, Monica Bellucci, and Asia Argento, among others, you’d have to say that they’re still doing something right. And they are.
Other sexy Italian women of note: Alessia Marcuzzi, Anna Falchi, Caterina Murino, Cristina Chiabotto, Elena Santarelli, Elisa Sednaoui, Elisabetta Canalis, Federica Fontana (above), Federica Pellegrini, Federica Ridolfi, Francesca Chillemi, Giovanna Mezzogiorno, Lucilla Agosti, Manuela Arcuri, Maria Grazia Cucinotta, Martina Stella, Sara Tommasi
11 South Africa (15)
Guyism Composite
South Africa has simply been on fire the past few years. New women we’ve discovered include Nicole Meyer, Lauren Mellor, Dominique Piek, Natasha Barnard, Careen Truter, Shane van der Westhuizen, and Elbe van der Merwe. Throw in Candice Swanepoel, Jenna Pietersen, Candice Boucher, Genevieve Morton, and oh yeah, Charlize Theron and you could make an easy argument South Africa is top 10 material.
Other sexy South African women of note: Georgina Grenville, Joelle Kayembe, Kerry McGregor, Landi Swanepoel, Lee-Ann Liebenberg, Lieschen Botes, Liza Botha, Lyndall Jarvis (above), Karlien Seegers, Tammin Sursok, Tanit Phoenix, Terry Pheto, Tracy McGregor
10 Russia (7)
Guyism Composite
Russia still holds a sport in the top 10 despite a startling lack of big name new faces over the past couple of years. (Though imagine if the Soviet Union were still in tact how long this list could be.) Still, the names left over from last time are nothing to sneeze at with Anne Vyalitsyna, Irina Shayk, Laura Blokhina, Natasha Poly, Natalia Vodianova, Daria Konovalova, and Yulia Snigir still killing it on a regular basis. Too bad we haven’t seen more of Anna Kournikova though.
Other sexy Russian women of note: Albina Dzhanabaeva, Alsou, Anna Semenovich, Anna Selezneva, Anya Monzikova, Inna Popenko, Irena Ponaroshku, Irina Nikolaeva, Irina Voronina, Iryna Rozhik, Katia Ivanova, Liza Boyarskaya, Maria Berseneva, Maria Kirilenko, Maria Sharapova, Marina Orlova, Masha Novoselova, Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, Natasha Alam, Olga Kobozina, Oksana Akinshina, Sasha Pivovarova, Svetlana Milinzova, Tatyana Andriyash, Tatiana Kovylina, Tatyana Kotova, Valentina Zelyaeva, Victoria Lopyreva, Vlada Roslyakova, Zhanna Friske
9 Argentina (9)
Guyism Composite
Considering it is second largest country in South America one would expect that there are a lot of sexy, famous women who come from there. One would be right. How does Luisana Lopilato, Belen Rodriguez, Carolina Ardohain, Yamila Diaz, Yesica Toscanini, Rocio Guirao Diaz, and Jesica Cirio sound? Sounds like a party to us.
Other sexy Argentinian women of note: Araceli Gonzalez, Belen Francese, Brenda Gandini, Carolina Baldini, Claudia Ciardone, Daniela Urzi, Dorismar, Florencia Salvioni, Ines Rivero, Karina Jelinek, Liz Solari (above), Lola Ponce, Luciana Salazar, Luli Fernandez, Maki Soler, Marcela Kloosterboer, Nicole Neumann, Pamela David, Romina Belluscio, Sofia Zamolo, Ursula Vagues, Valeria Mazza, Victoria Vanucci, Zaira Nara
8 Canada (11)
Guyism Composite
Canada moves up the list based on a massive influx of gorgeous actresses, as well as a few models, into our collective conscience. Paulina Gretzky, Julia Voth, Zoe Duchesne, A.J. Cook, Jessica Pare, Misa Campo, Kate Bock, Emily VanCamp, Danielle Knudson, and Michea Crawford all jumped onto our radar in the last couple of years. Add them to mix of Kim Cloutier, Andi Muise, Malin Akerman, Rachel McAdams, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Elisha Cuthbert, Nina Dobrev, Trish Stratus, and many others and you see that Canada is good at more than just hockey.
Other sexy Canadian women of note: Alaina Huffman, Anna Paquin, Ashley Diana Morris, Avril Lavigne, Cobie Smulders, Coco Rocha, Daria Werbowy, Emmanuelle Vaugier, Erica Durance, Estella Warren, Evangeline Lilly, Grace Park, Heather Marks, Jayde Nicole, Jessica Lowndes, Jessica Lucas, Jessica Stam (above), Kathleen Robertson, Kristin Kreuk, Laura Vandervoort, Linda Evangelista, Maryse Ouellet, Melyssa Ford, Missy Peregrym, Pamela Anderson, Sarah Carter, Serinda Swan, Shalom Harlow, Stana Katic, Sunny Leone, Tricia Helfer
7 Colombia (10)
Guyism Composite
Sofia Vergara and Shakira may be the best known Colombian women in the world, and she certainly helps their ranking, but lingerie models like Sandra Valencia, Melissa Giraldo, Catalina Otalvaro, Carla Ossa, Natalia Velez, and Lina Posada really are what made Colombia move up in the rankings. They produce sexy models like they produce their coffee: very, very well.
Other sexy Colombian women of note: Adriana Arboleda, Ana Sofia Henao, Andrea Serna, Angie Cepeda, Camila Davalos, Carolina Guerra, Catalina Sandino Moreno, Daniela Tamayo, Danna Garcia, Jessica Cediel, Karen Bray, Lucia Tovar, Manuela Arbelaez, Maria Fernanda Yepez, Mariana Davalos, Natalia Paris, Paula Garces, Sara Corrales, Sara Jaramillo, Taliana Vargas, Vanessa Mendoza, Zulay Henao
6 England (4)
Guyism Composite
For a country roughly the size of Louisiana England produces a plethora of gorgeous women. And the best part is the with their many lad magazines a whole bunch of them are willing to pose with little to no clothing on. For example: Kelly Brook, Lucy Pinder, Rosie Jones, Jessica-Jane Clement, Danielle Lloyd, Rhian Sugden. But they don’t stop there, they also produce a large number of famous fashion models including Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Daisy Lowe, Cara Delevingne, Natalie Suliman, Suki Waterhouse, and Georgia May Jagger. And don’t forget the actresses: Emma Watson, Emily Blunt, Lily Collins, Keira Knightley, Rachel Weisz, Emilia Clarke, and Kate Beckinsale to just name a few. And we haven’t even touched on the singers yet.
Other sexy English women of note: Abigail Clancy, Alice Eve, Alice Goodwin, Amy Jackson, April Summers, Billie Piper, Charlie Webster, Charlotte Jackson, Cheryl Cole, Danica Thrall, Danni Wells, Emma Glover, Gemma Arterton, Gemma Atkinson, Gemma Merna, Elizabeth Hurley, Elle Liberachi, Emma B, Emma Frain, Francoise Boufhal, Hayley Atwell, Helen Flanagan, Holly Peers, India Reynolds, Jade Ewen, Jennifer Metcalfe, Jess Davies, Jessica Clark, Jorgie Porter, Jourdan Dunn, Kara Tointon, Kaya Scodelario, Kayleigh Pearson, Kitty Lea, Lauren Pope, Layla Kayleigh, Lily Donaldson, Lucy Mecklenburgh, Keeley Hazell, Lena Headey, Louise Thompson, Madison Welch, Melissa Clarke, Michelle Keegan, Naomi Campbell, Rachael Cordingley, Rachel Stevens, Rebecca Hall, Rhona Mitra, Rosamund Pike, Rosie Roff, Roxanne Pallett, Sammy Braddy, Sarah Harding, Sienna Miller, Sophie Howard, Sophie Reade, Suzanne Shaw, Talulah Riley, Tamara Ecclestone, Vanessa Perroncel, Victoria Moore, Vikki Blows
5 Spain (6)
Guyism Composite
Anyone that is even slightly familiar with Spanish television knows just how many sexy women Spain has. Women like Sara Carbonero, Paula Echevarria, Paz Vega, Penelope and Monica Cruz dot the airwaves over there. And anyone who likes sexy models knows that there are just as many of them as there are sexy actresses including Diana Morales, Helen Lindes, Estefania Luyk, Edurne Garcia, and Ariadne Artiles.
Other sexy Spanish women of note: Adriana Abenia, Almudena Cid Tostado, Almudena Fernandez, Amaia Salamanca, Ana Fernandez, Anna Simon, Berta Collado Rivera, Blanca Suarez, Carolina Cerezuela, Circe De La Rosa, Clara Alonso, Cristina Brondo, Dafne Fernandez, Elena Anaya, Elena Furiase, Elsa Pataky (above), Eve Marie Gonzalez-Fernandez, Eugenia Silva, Gaby Bo, Inma Cuesta, Kira Miro, Lucia Lapiedra, Mamen Mendizabal, Manuela Velasco, Mar Saura, Marta Torne, Melanie Olivares, Michelle Jenner, Mirella Mendoza, Natalia Gallego, Nereida Gallardo, Nidyan Fabregat, Noelia Lopez, Patricia Conde, Paula Prendes, Pilar Rubio, Rebecca Linares, Sheila Marquez, Ursula Corbero, Vanessa Romero, Veronica Sanchez, Veruzhka Ramirez
4 Mexico (5)
Guyism Composite
If there is any country that can rival Spain for the number of sexy women on TV it’s Mexico. And anyone with a passing interest in men’s magazines out of Mexico knows that many of them (as well as dozens of sexy models) are more than willing to pose for sexy photographs. Women like Maite Perroni, Barbara Mori, Vanessa Huppenkothen, and Ninel Conde are just the tip of the iceberg. Several of these actresses have made their way into the U.S. and blown us away right here in the States including Elsa Benitez, Ines Sainz, Ana de la Reguera, Paulina Rubio, and Salma Hayek, just to name a few. They also have a recent Miss Universe in Ximena Navarrete. Excuse us for a second while we make a run for the border.
Other sexy Mexican women of note: Adriana Fonseca, Aleida Nunez, Alessandra Rosaldo, Altair Jarabo, Ana Claudia Talanco, Ana Patricia Gonzalez, Ana Serradilla, Anahi, Anahi Portillo, Anette Michel, Aracely Arambula, Arleth Teran, Aurora Robles, Blanca Soto, Camila Sodi, Claudia Lizaldi, Claudia Salinas, Cynthia Urias, Daniela de Jesus Cosio, Dulce Maria, Eiza Gonzalez, Elizabeth Gutierrez, Fabiola Campomanes, Fernanda Castillo, Gaby Ramirez, Galilea Montijo, Ines Gomez Mont, Ivonne Montero, Jacqueline Bracamontes, Julieta Grajales, Karla Diaz, Karyme Lozano, Laura Elizondo, Lili Brillanti, Liliana Domínguez, Luz Elena Gonzalez, Mariana Bayon, Mariana Ochoa, Marisol Gonzalez, Marlene Favela, Martha Higareda, Mayra Suarez, Mayrin Villanueva, Montserrat Oliver, Natalia Jimenez, Patricia Navidad, Paulina Flores, Sugey Abrego, Thalia, Vanessa Arias, Vanessa Villela, Yadhira Carrillo
3 Australia (3)
Guyism Composite
Miranda Kerr alone gives Australia a jump on many countries, but when you mix in ladies like the legendary Elle Macpherson, former Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins, supermodels like Jessica Hart and Abbey Lee Kershaw, lad mag faves such as Emily Scott, Tina Wallman, and Rachael Neiberding, and then toss in some top-of-the-line swimsuit models like Jessica Gomes, Lara Bingle, Shanina Shaik, and Elyse Taylor, you’ve got yourself one hell of a list. And we left out a whole bunch of other ladies who are just as amazing including all of the actresses, singers, and athletes. Check it out below.
Other sexy Australian women of note: Abbie Cornish, Anna Torv, Annette Melton, Ashley Cheadle, Candace Rae, Catherine McNeil, Clare Werbeloff, Danni Minogue, Delta Goodrem, Ellie Gonsalves, Emilie de Ravin, Erin McNaught, Gabriella Cilmi, Gemma Lee Farrell, Gemma Ward, Havana Brown, Holly Valance, Imogen Bailey, Isabel Lucas, Isla Fisher, Jesinta Campbell, Jessica Bratich, Kellie Crawford, Krystal Forscutt, Kylie Minogue, Laura Dundovic, Lyndsey Rodrigues, Megan Gale, Michelle Jenneke, Natalie Bassingthwaighte, Nicole Kidman, Nicole Trunfio, Nicky Whelan, Nikki Visser, Pania Rose, Rachael Finch, Rachael Taylor, Rose Byrne, Sarah Stephens, Sarita Stella, Siobhan Parekh, Simone Starr, Sophie Monk, Sophie Turner, Yvonne Strahovski
2 United States (2)
Guyism Composite
America: home of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and Victoria’s Secret. The women who have posed for those two things alone would put the U.S. at the top if it weren’t for one country. Women like Damaris Lewis, Jessica White, Kate Upton, Alyssa Miller, Chrissy Teigen, Hilary Rhoda, Hannah Davis, Julie Henderson, Brooklyn Decker, and dozens of other American ladies have donned the suits for SI over the recent years. Models such as Marisa Miller, Lily Aldridge, Emily DiDonato, Lindsay Ellingson, Chanel Iman, and Erin Heatherton have posed for Victoria’s Secret. But it’s Hollywood that really gives that United States a big boost with actresses like Jessica Alba, Minka Kelly, Halle Berry, Jennifer Lawrence, Alison Brie, Scarlett Johansson, Genesis Rodriguez, Megan Fox, Eva Mendes, and dozens of others that grace our small and big screens. If it just wasn’t for that one country…
Other sexy Australian women of note: Adrianne Curry, Ali Michael, Amanda Seyfried, Amber Heard, Anne Hathaway, Ariel Meredith, Ashley Benson, Ashley Greene, Blake Lively, Bree Conden, Cameron Richardson, Cameron Russell, Camilla Belle, Carla Gugino, Christina Hendricks, Christy Turlington, Dani Evans, Darla Baker, Dianna Agron, Emmy Rossum, Eva Longoria, Frankie Ryder, Hope Dworaczyk, Jaclyn Swedberg, Jaime King, Jamie Chung, Jarah Mariano, Jasmine Tookes, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Biel, Jessica Burciaga, Jessica Orr, Josie Maran, Julianne Hough, Katrina Bowden, Katy Perry, Kerry Washington, Kim Kardashian, Kristen Nicole, Kylie Bisutti, Leanna Decker, Leighton Meester, Lizzy Caplan, Maggi Caruthers, Martha Hunt, Melissa Baker, Melissa Bolona, Missy Rayder, Natalie Martinez, Natalie Pack, Nicole Scherzinger, Olivia Munn, Olivia Wilde, Paula Patton, Quiana Grant, Rachel Clark, Raquel Gibson, Raquel Pomplun, Rosario Dawson, Sara Jean Underwood (above), Sarah Shahi, Sasha Grey, Shannan Click, Tori Praver, Trish Goff, Vanessa Hudgens, Zoe Saldana
1 Brazil (1)
Guyism Composite
I don’t want to hear one single argument here. NONE. Brazil simply produces lingerie and bikini models like they are coming off a conveyor belt. In the 10-plus years I have been doing this hardly a week goes by in which I don’t come across a new Brazilian bikini or lingerie model that I have never heard of before. I mean that literally. I don’t know what they are doing down there, but someone is doing some seriously awesome things with DNA ever since Maria Joao generated the most cancellations in Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue history with her cover back in 1978 (you may have also heard of her daughter, a young lady named Jordana Brewster).
WOMEN OF NOTE: Adriana Bombom, Adriana Lima (above), Alessandra Ambrosio, Alice Braga, Aline Moraes, Aline Nakashima, Amanda Rosa, Ana Beatriz Barros, Ana Carolina Dias, Ana Claudia Michels, Ana Hickmann, Ana Paula Araujo, Analu Campos, Ashley Sky, Bia Feres, Branca Feres, Brenda Costa, Camila Alves, Camila Morais, Camila Pitanga, Caroline Francischini, Caroline Trentini, Cintia Dicker, Cinthia Moura, Cleo Pires, Daniela Cicarelli, Daniela Freitas, Daniella Sarahyba, Debora Nascimento, Deborah Secco, Elisandra Tomacheski (above), Ellen Rocche, Emanuela de Paula, Fabiana Mayer, Fabiana Semprebom, Fabiana Tambosi, Fernanda Lima, Fernanda Machado, Fernanda Motta, Flavia de Oliveira, Flavia Lucini, Gisele Bundchen, Gracie Carvalho, Grazielli Massafera, Ildi Silva, Isabela Soncini, Isabeli Fontana, Isis Valverde, Izabel Goulart, Jeisa Chiminazzo, Juliana Didone, Juliana Martins, Katarina Scola, Leticia Birkheuer, Lisalla Montenegro (above), Luciana Bertolini, Luciana Vendramini, Luisa Mell, Luiza Brunet, Luli Miller, Mariana Weickert, Michelle Alves, Milena Toscano, Miryan Martin, Morena Baccarin, Natalia Guimaraes, Nicole Bahls, Paola Oliveira, Raica Oliveira (above), Raquel Zimmermann, Rayanne Morais, Renata Kuerten, Simone Villas Boas, Tais Araujo
Other Lists You May Enjoy
Good video game films like Silent Hill (or…yeah, just Silent Hill) show us that video game adaptations can be done with style, skill and respect to the source material. Video games are a multi-billion dollar industry, gaining popularity every year. It’s time some of our favorites were given the film treatment.
Photo credit: YouTube
8 ‘The Elder Scrolls’
The Lord of the Rings trilogy took in almost $3 billion worldwide. Game of Thrones consistently breaks HBO records. An Elder Scrolls movie would fit in nicely with all the fervor that surrounds magic, dragon-slaying and sprawling, epic lands. The latest Elder Scrolls even sold 7 million copies on the Xbox 360 alone. That’s a strong built-in core audience, indeed.
Photo credit: YouTube
7 ‘Uncharted’
The Tomb Raider movies weren’t good. The National Treasure movies weren’t good. It’ll be tough to get Indiana Jones 5 between Lucas, Spielberg and Ford’s busy schedules, so an Uncharted movie would be perfect to fill the gap in the archaeological adventure genre. Cast Nolan North, the guy who voices Nathan Drake, and you’ll make a lot of gamers happy.
Photo credit: YouTube
6 ‘God of War’
This series has a heart-wrenching story and gut-wrenching violence, two things that go together magically and could make a dazzling, heroic adventure of titanic proportions.
Photo credit: YouTube
5 ‘Dead Space’
If this followed in the footsteps of the first game, i.e. terror and isolation rather than the action-oriented second and third installments, this could offer a truly terrifying experience. Necromorphs and their varying forms, hyper-aggressive nature and the clever way they need to be dispatched could make for an awesome horror flick.
Photo credit: YouTube
4 ‘Grand Theft Auto’
This would seem like a no-brainer, except how do you make a script for a game that is so great on its own, but as a movie wouldn’t be much different than any other criminal-rising-to-the-top film? We all want this, but it would have to be a great script to make it worthwhile.
Photo credit: YouTube
3 ‘Bioshock’
The Bioshock games have so much meat such a wonderful style to them that a movie seems inevitable. And yet, hopes of this happening have pretty much been dead in the years since the initial announcement of Gore Verbinski’s attachment to it in 2008. Let’s hope that Bioshock Infinite gets interest going again, because a Bioshock film done right would be gorgeous and enrapturing at the very least.
Photo credit: YouTube
2 ‘Halo’
Why has this still not happened? Back in 2006 Peter Jackson was attached to the project and recently Neil Blomkamp of District 9 fame has commented on his interest in doing it.
Let me go back and answer my original question with a commonly known symbol: $. Investors who probably don’t understand that this will easily make back its $200-$250 million, plus its $100+ million marketing budget worldwide (and maybe in the U.S. alone), are losing out, as is the gaming community who has been waiting patiently for this to happen year after year.
Photo credit: YouTube
1 ‘Doom’ (a better one)
The Rock pissed a lot of people off by assuring Doom fanatics that the movie would be true to the story and executed with respect to the Doom canon. It did not. Aside from one cool part that had a first person shooter pace and aesthetic, the rest of the movie was poorly acted, poorly scripted, poorly conceived and just plain boring.
Go back and go simpler. Use an indie film-sized budget and do it with some no-name actors and for God’s sake just make an adaptation of the awesome Doom novel Knee Deep in the Dead that was written by Dafydd ab Hugh and Brad Linaweaver and came out in the mid-90s.
Photo credit: YouTube
Simi Valley, Calif. just wanted to blow things up to celebrate America. Unfortunately, they missed the part where fireworks are supposed to be in the sky.
Great job, Simi Valley. There’s no way to celebrate America better than sending dozens of people to the hospital to deal with our mediocre healthcare system and lack of free insurance. Truly a reminder of what makes this country so great.
Back in January we learned that Carly Rae Jepsen was the new spokesperson for Candie’s. Today we get to see Carly Rae Jepsen looking super cute again in another ad campaign. This set is for Candie’s fall campaign called “Hard At Work.” It shows “a day in the life of a pop star,” recording in studio, writing music and performing on stage and the results of this shoot will debut with a Candie’s Only at Kohl’s commercial during the Teen Choice 2013 Awards in August. But enough about that? How cute does she look in these pics?
Photo credit: Candie’s
College is the best four years of your life. Here are the 10 people you meet along the way, including the ever popular sixth year senior.
What’s more American than handcrafted fireworks being blown up irresponsibly? Poorly made American handcrafted fireworks, of course.
That wasn’t so much a firework as it was an IED. At least they have that firepit to put someone’s arm on to make a delicious barbecue.
You guys remember Lana Kinnear, right? I would hope so since since been in the top five of the Guyism 100 since she appeared here. The last time we saw Lana Kinnear I was calling her “one to watch” because, well, she’s a freaking hot model/professional wrestler. Hello? And today we’re lucky enough to get to see just exactly how she keeps her body in that wonderful modeling/professional wrestling shape, Impressive.
Photo credit: JC Riley
Drones are supposed to be used to assassinate targets when they pose a “continuing and imminent” threat. So why are so many non-threatening people being killed?
A Chinese taxi driver is presumably somewhat responsible for an accident. His attempt to flee the scene might as well be set to Benny Hill music.
Glad this guy wasn’t able to get away but I admire his commitment to avoid getting out of trouble by causing more damage to the cars he already damaged. If it ain’t broke, continue breaking it, I suppose.
Because no one is working today, and if you are then you don’t want to be, how about killing some time looking at what 13 Game of Thrones characters would look like if they lived in the 80s and 90s?
Disney
Who would spend $250 million to make a Western about a guy with a crow on his head? Disney, that’s who, and they’re sucking it up now as nobody was in the theater to see this when I was. It was totally ass-empty except for me and a couple old people, and they walked out before the movie was over.
You know how sometimes when you’re high a movie will just zip by and be over before you know it? The Lone Ranger is the opposite of that. It’s two and a half hours long and it felt like six. Even with all the huge bombastic action scenes and stuff it just drags. I had to piss twice during it and I don’t feel like I missed anything.
So, the story: it’s a big flashback narrated by an old Johnny Depp as Tonto in horrible old person makeup about how he met John Reid and how he became the Lone Ranger. But here’s the bite: it takes over an hour for dude to put the mask on and start kicking ass. My attention span isn’t that short but literally that could have been cut down to like 15 minutes and it would have been fine. It’s ridiculous that everything in the movie takes forever to happen.
The other weird thing is that I couldn’t really figure out who this movie is for. The script is super dumb and corny so you’d think it would be for kids but then there’s a part where the main bad guy cuts out somebody’s heart and eats it! And then there’s another part where like a million Comanches get shot to death by machine guns and right after it Tonto makes a joke about a horse. Doesn’t even take a minute to make a sad face. Just “Mass Murder, horse joke.”
This movie is really messed up, and not in an interesting way. It’s like that old He-Man toy Modulok where it was a bunch of different monster pieces that you could put together but it always looked like a disabled crab no matter what you did. It doesn’t make any sense and it’s hard to believe anybody at the studio sat down, watched it and went “Yep, that’s ready. Get it out there.”
Don’t see this movie. You’re probably already not seeing it, but don’t see it anyways.
Disclaimer: I fixed all the typos and grammar errors but left everything else in.
eldh, Flickr
Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
EDITOR’S NOTE: I quit keeping track of these at the end of day July 3rd, because I’d rather celebrate America for four solid days than track silly celebs on Twitter all week. Still, they did not disappoint, even in this oh-so-slightly abbreviated version.
Photo credit: eldh, Flickr
Dear Mario, I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend… you owe me.
— Aubrey O'Day (@AubreyODay) July 1, 2013
You’re not the only one, sister.
Jessica Simpson has already taught her son everything she knows.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 1, 2013
And he will probably make millions of dollars.
i also give advice to justin bieber in my new podcast with @colinmeans. biebz needs to grow up. listen here http://t.co/i1SKwG6Guc
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) July 1, 2013
It’s official: Every human on the planet now has a podcast.
Do not ask any 30 something office workers how Glastonbury was. Trust me. You don't have the time.
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) July 1, 2013
Kind of like asking how Lollapalooza went over here.
Dance like nobody's watching, dress for the job you want, and fuck somebody inappropriate like Sally Draper's about to walk in on you.
— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) July 1, 2013
Solid advice for life.
Lakers are putting up billboards to beg, I mean, recruit Dwight?! Then again, if anyone would stay or leave over a billboard, it's Dwight.
— Jim Rome (@jimrome) July 1, 2013
True.
If my dress doesn't fit at some schmancy event and I use a bulldog clip on my back can everyone be cool about it?
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) July 1, 2013
Yes.
Happy Canada Day, Canada! Thanks for putting up with all of the asshole Americans who threaten to move there during election time.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 1, 2013
We sure do appreciate it.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you'll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) July 1, 2013
Food for thought.
I know it's not the 4th quite yet but my bikini body is ready! Xoxo pic.twitter.com/PU1zwiqyxx
— Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden) July 1, 2013
USA! USA! USA!
Friends don't let friends wear wallet chains.
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) July 2, 2013
No, they absolutely do not.
Remember the astronaut lady who drove to Florida wearing a diaper? That was so gangster. I wish NASA did more stuff like that.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 2, 2013
That was gangster.
Got my thigh workout in today! (Hovered over a public toilet trying not to touch anything)
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) July 2, 2013
You should make a DVD to share with other women.
Why must everything be so complicated?
— RuPaul (@RuPaul) July 2, 2013
Seriously.
I'm that annoying friend who's in a good mood all the time.
— Melanie Iglesias (@MelanieIglesias) July 2, 2013
That would really suck if you weren’t so damn sexy.
There is no better feeling on this good, green earth than having exact change.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) July 2, 2013
I don’t know about that, but sure does feel good.
I want Beyonce to star in a rock opera set in space. She battles galactic monsters. I will direct. There will be glitter guns and jumpsuits.
— Gillian Jacobs (@GillianJacobs) July 2, 2013
I’d watch that.
Justin Bieber eat asshole casserole
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) July 2, 2013
Right on, Sheikie.
Having a bit of fun today. Big hair, minimal wardrobe! pic.twitter.com/6hwjBwFDN5
— LeAnn Rimes Cibrian (@leannrimes) July 2, 2013
Finally she is using Twitter positively.
Look, we may never know whether "cracker" is worse than the N-word, so all this speculating is silly. Also, Chinese people steal.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 2, 2013
Good point.
Southwest Airlines: Where appropriate adult behavior goes to die
— A.J. (@WWEAJLee) July 3, 2013
What is it with them anyway?
Passengers clapping when my plane lands makes me almost wish we had crashed.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) July 3, 2013
I’m feeling you, Jim, I’m feeling you.
Honestly, there’s nothing going on on the Internet today. So here’s a video of a dog taking an adorable puppy for a walk. FOR AMERICA (even though the dogs are Swedish).
The sad thing is that dog trained this puppy on a walk faster than I’ve been able to train my dogs after years of owning them. I’m not proud. (via Tastefully Offensive)
justDONQUE.images, Flickr
At some point, just about everyone has wanted to travel back in time. After all, the idea of going back and fixing a mistake or reliving an awesome day from the past or maybe doing something cool like beating up Hitler is pretty damn tantalizing. But most people – sane ones anyway – recognize that time travel is sadly the province of science fiction. But don’t tell that to these people, all of whom have claimed to have traveled through time. Are they crazy? Who knows? [Yes. Yes, they are.] So let us celebrate (and mock – can’t forget that) these seven people who all claimed to be time travelers.
Photo credit: justDONQUE.images, Flickr
7 Alfred Bielek
For years, Alfred Bielek claimed to be one of the crewmen on the ship involved in the famed Philadelphia Experiment, which was supposedly a highly classified experiment conducted on a naval ship in 1943 to see if our nation’s top crack-pots could render a ship invisible. The result, according to Bielek, was that the ship was actually teleported a couple of hundred miles away, from Philadelphia to the shipyard at Norfolk, Virginia and that the ship had actually gone back in time ten whole seconds. Somehow, this apparently caused some crewmembers (not Bielek though who miraculously escaped unscathed) to become fused with the ship or stuck in the steel hull, trapped between time like something out of Fringe. Meanwhile, other crew members supposedly went nuts and the rest had their brains wiped down by the military, including Bielek, who claimed to have started recovering memories of the incident in 1985. Not exactly glamorous, but what the hell, it’s better than being chased by a psychotic Biff Tannen while your own mother tries to seduce you I guess.
Photo credit: YouTube/Channel 3X
6 Charlotte Anne Moberly and Eleanor Jourdain
According to Ms. Moberly (pictured above) and Ms. Jourdain, during a tour of the gardens of the Palace of Versailles, the two women became bored and wandered off. Naturally, they became lost and soon entered a strange realm filled with even stranger people, culminating with the duo encountering a lady dressed in old-fashioned fancy duds. Of course they claimed that this was none other than Marie Antoinette. Some claim that what these two ladies saw – an incident known collectively as the Moberly-Jourdain incident – a paranormal ghost sighting. After all, the gardens of Versailles were frequented by Antoinette maybe her ghost liked to chill there too? Moberly and Jourdain, though, seemed convinced that they had actually went back through time to 18th Century France. Perhaps a better explanation was put forth by writer Philippe Julian, who while writing a biography of the French poet Robert de Montesquiou in 1965, discovered that the poet and his friends frequently gave historical reenactment parties in full period dress at Versailles and that the two ladies might have merely stumbled upon a rehearsal, which is pretty goddamn hilarious if you think about it.
Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons
5 Von Helton
Von Helton is a well-known nutcase who, amongst other things, claims to have not only fought vampires, but to be possibly part-vampire himself. Oh, and he also says he invented the stealth fighter when he was seven years-old. So obviously we know we’re dealing with a sober and rational man here. But besides his vampire hunting, Helton claims to have traveled back in time on numerous occasions, all the way back to the year 1857. Why 1857? Well, it helps to remember that we’re dealing with a dude who lives in a backwoods trailer and has claimed that NASA rejected his offer to be a “space marine” so let’s not quibble about details, okay? It’s enough to know that he says he’s traveled back and forth through time and, oh yeah, he has a bunch of “photographic evidence” that somehow proves it. And you know what? I believe him. (Note: No. No, I don’t.)
Photo credit: YouTube/Von Helton
4 James R. Todino
guy_david, Flickr
James R. Todino is the man behind the spam e-mails sent by the hundreds of thousands in the names of “Bob White” and “Tim Jones,” e-mails which claimed to be from a time traveler trapped in the present, begging people to send him parts for a “Dimensional Warp Generator.” Naturally, because the world is filled with insane people and assholes, he got numerous responses and some people even sent him parts, stuff like old computer hard drives, that sort of thing. Eventually, the e-mails were traced back to Mr. Todino, a well-known spam artist. He claims to be completely sane, but his time travel attempts were apparently serious and his father went so far as to beg people not to respond and feed his delusions. I just hope that he got that broken pocket watch and those safety pins I sent him.
Photo credit: guy_david, Flickr
3 Billy Meier
A native of Switzerland, Billy Meier claims to have been in contact with aliens from a very young age and has spent most of his life warning people about impending disaster and other various crackpot nonsense, all shown to him by the aliens, who he describes as being like Nordic humanoids. So basically, we’re dealing with the Nazi super-race of aliens here. Naturally, they also took him back through time – why not? – where he met a dude named Jmmanuel who claimed to be the real Jesus (as opposed to all those fake ones wandering shopping malls) who told Meier that Meier’s evolution had surpassed even that of Jmmanuel himself, telling him “Truly, your evolution has proceeded for 2000 years further, which fact I have not considered.” So hey, at least he’s got that going for him.
Photo credit: YouTube/ZiggUFO
2 Andrew Basiago
Basiago, a Seattle lawyer, claims that as a child he was a part of something called “Project Pegasus,” a secret government project designed to test the effects of teleportation and time travel on young children. He claims that as a part of this project he was sent back in time on numerous occasions, including to the Gettysburg Address, where he claims he can be seen just hanging out in photographs, and to Lincoln’s assassination at Ford Theater. Apparently, the dudes behind Project Pegasus really got off on sending kids to meet Lincoln. Basiago also claimed that every time they sent him back, it was slightly different, as if he were traveling to alternate timelines, and that on a couple of occasions he actually ran into other versions of himself, also visiting from the future. Because, you know, that’s a thing that totally happens to people not on some really, really amazing drugs.
Photo credit: YouTube/AwakeningCenterWA
1 John Titor
Guyism
“John Titor” was the name eventually given to a dude who posted on a number of message boards in 2000 and 2001 claiming to be a time traveler from the year 2036. In these posts he claimed to be an American soldier, sent back in time to the year 1975 in order to retrieve an IBM computer so that scientists in the future could debug computers in their time. Or something. Naturally, on his way back he decided to stop and just hang out for a while in the year 2000, visiting family and gathering old photos, you know, the usual stuff one does while time traveling. And while he was there, he decided to take the time to warn everyone about a series of apocalyptic events that would lead to nuclear war and the fracturing of the United States into multiple confederacies. Oh, and that a human form of Mad Cow Disease spread through tainted beef would devastate the world. Sure, why not? The funniest of Titor’s ravings might be that he fought as a 13 year-old in something called “The Fighting Diamondbacks,” which he describes as a shotgun infantry unit based in the Hicksville sticks of Florida. Of course, all of these predictions and dire warnings – set to erupt in the years between 2000 and 2008 – never took place. Well, unless you count the Bush presidency in which case, yeah, maybe the dude had a case. But seriously, for dedication to madness and outright quackery, I have no choice but to award the top spot on this list to the one, the only, John Titor. May he save us all from World War III. Oh, and from all that tainted beef.
Photo credit: Guyism
(Previously published on January 16, 2013.)
Now if we could only get Ana Beatriz Barros to share even more photos on Instagram we’d REALLY have something going on. As you know, from past Saturday features, lingerie models are typically REALLy good about sharing sexy pictures on Instagram. Ana Beatriz Barros is no exception, but there’s one problem. She doesn’t do it often enough. Take Kenza Fourati for example. Ana was in one of the photos we showed you and so we thought, hey maybe Ana Beatriz Barros is as good as Kenzi is when it comes to posting sexy pics! And she does. But, Ana, just 20 photos? C’mon. Help a brother out here. We love you and we want to love you more. Break out that camera phone more often! Please?
Want to see more women who kill it on Instagram? Just click here and here.
Photo credit: Ana Beatriz Barros, Instagram
This weekly feature is a round-up, in conjunction with our friend Tim over at Cool Material, of the hot new products appearing online this week. From fashion tips to cool gadgets and gear, take a look at your new obsessions.
 Cool Material The pen features a bolt action mechanism, a flat head thumb rest for use as a weapon, and a stylish clip integrated design to store the pen securely in your pocket. |
 Cufflinks.com Combining our somewhat geeky love of both Star Wars and typography, these cufflinks add a bit of fun to any French cuff shirt. |
 Timothy Oulton This collection of hardcases looks inspired by fighter jets. |
 Digital Trends The Lotus Esprit (the submarine car from “The Spy Who Loved Me”) is headed to auction this September. |
 Society 6 The collection features some of your favorite characters from Game of Thrones decked out in garb from the 80′s and 90′s. |
 Amazon Available in a few different colors, each GEAR Seat Cover supplies you with a multitude of removable storage pockets. |
 Dogfish The Delaware brewery just released some belly-filling clam chowder that’s infused with their 60 Minute IPA. |
 Artiphon Crafted from heirloom-quality hardwoods, the body connects with your iPhone and has a six-string, six-fret virtual keyboard and sensitive strum bar for your picking hand. |
JeHu68, Flickr
Sure, big breasts are great and most women who have them like them, but did you know that there are some pretty big reasons that women hate their big breasts? (Whaaaaaat? I know, right?!?) I read up on the subject up, then spoke to a friend of mine (let’s call her Ari) whose breasts are so large that they would surely cripple her if she was in poor shape. Ari and I spent some time discussing the cons of having sweater puppies so big that you practically have to keep them on a leash. Ladies, what are your least favorite things about having big breasts, besides feeling like without the proper support you’d be thrust into an endless forward tumble?
Photo credit: JeHu68, Flickr
8 If Women Were Men, They Wouldn’t Even Want a Woman With Big Boobs
Jacrews7, Flickr
According to a recent study conducted by a cosmetic surgeon and psychologist from the University of Regensburg in Germany, women with large bust sizes consider medium sizes more eye-catching, underestimating their own attractiveness to men. Men, of course have a mind-set of “the bigger the better” when it comes to a woman’s chesticles.
Photo credit: Jacrews7, Flickr
7 Clothes Don’t Fit
Westside Shooter, Flickr
It can be hard for big-breasted ladies to find clothes that fit, sure, but even clothing they think may look good in theory actually look odd once their world-sized globes are pushing outward from inside. Ari gives us a great example: “Wearing a turtleneck turns you into a wall of boobs”.
Photo credit: Westside Shooter, Flickr
6 Big Breasts are Expensive
Daquella manera, Flickr
Not like plastic surgery expensive; it’s because dressing and protecting them is expensive. This especially goes for quality bras, which cost somewhere between ridiculous and ludicrous. Seriously, they cost as much as a man’s entire outfit (if he doesn’t mind getting his shirt and shoes at Target).
Photo credit: Daquella manera, Flickr
5 They’re Painful
TheChanel, Flickr
Just like having a long dong or a lo wang; having large, unwieldy body parts can cause issues for women too. Running too fast or down a set of stairs, lying on them wrong or experiencing crushing back pain are all good indicators that those funbags are only fun to the people who get to look at them.
Photo credit: TheChanel, Flickr
4 Big Breasts Can be Bad Breasts
SFB579:), Flickr
The classic battle between quality and quantity; big boobs sag with age or can sport nipples so large they look like unevenly sliced deli meat. Breasts can even feel like they’re filled with that stuff you find in bean bags, rather than being firm, pert or Pert Plus, as most big, bra-restrained breasts would have you believe.
Photo credit: SFB579:), Flickr
3 Sports and Exercise Becomes Dangerous
Brett Jordan, Flickr
Sports bras can only do so much in the battle against getting slapped in the face by an errant nipple.
Photo credit: Brett Jordan, Flickr
2 Big Breasted Women are Often Expected to be Promiscuous
electricnerve, Flickr
My friend Ari sometimes chooses to wear more conservative tops because outfits that would look normal on someone else can look kind of slutty on her. “It’s never nice to have a man only focus on my chest.” In other cases, some big-breasted women are promiscuous, because that’s the role they were pigeon-holed into ever since puberty hit them like a fleshy sledgehammer.
Photo credit: electricnerve, Flickr
1 They Can Turn Women Into Vapid Soulless Shells of Human Beings
Irwin-Scott, Flickr
Let’s piggy-back on that last thought… this is all hypothetical, but also possible: When a woman grows up being lauded for her bust size and/or beauty (the two of which are linked somewhat closely for most men) and she continually gets attention for her looks, she can easily find ways to make them work to her advantage. This includes landing a job, getting out of a speeding ticket, getting men to do and buy things for her and more. The way she looks acts to satisfy or at least tease the satisfaction of a primal urge in others, and therefore, she has things handed to her and doesn’t need to develop things like, ohhh I dunno, her personality. On the other hand, a woman with large breasts who doesn’t want to let them define her has to work extra hard to overcome that, so kudos to those ladies.
Photo credit: Irwin-Scott, Flickr
(Previously published on February 22, 2013.)
Showtime
We’re just getting started in the final season of Showtime’s hit Dexter. What happened in season 8 episode 2′s “Every Silver Lining”? Let’s find out.
The episode gets right into the shocking reveal of last week: Analyst Evelyn Vogel is aware of Dexter’s history because she was counseling his adoptive father, Harry, about young Dexter’s proclivity for violence.
Vogel reveals that she had a hand in creating the code that Harry gave Dexter to guide all of his choices. She considers herself some sort of a mother to him. She could have turned Dexter and/or Harry in but she cares for him for whatever reason.
But, of course, this history doesn’t come without strings attached…Vogel wants Dexter to do her a favor. Last week’s killer who cut out a chunk of someone’s brain might be after Vogel (he did send her a piece of the brain after all) and she thinks it’s one of her former patients. She wants Dexter to find the man and take him out because she’s used “unconventional methods” to treat other psychopaths and, if the man gets arrested in a traditional way, those methods may come out and submarine her career.
We then get our first look at the killer putting a plastic bag over a tied up guy’s head as “Mama” Cass Elliot’s song “Make Your Own Kind of Music” plays. The ol’ trope of evil things going on over evil music. Apparently Vogel didn’t train this guy in originality.
The bounty hunter boss guy Elway interrogates Deb about her bizarre handling of the Briggs case. Deb still claims she was searching for the jewelry, even as she admits that she and Briggs were “intimate”. But Deb tells Elway that she got some keys that she thinks will lead them to the missing $5 million in jewelry that Briggs had.
The search leads to a storage unit where Briggs may have been holding the jewelry. It’d be a bang up job by Deb (literally) until that assassin El Sapo catches up with her, beats her down, and takes the jewelry for himself. He could have killed Deb but doesn’t. If you’re an assassin, you could probably spare killing her just to be safe.
Miami metro investigates the aforementioned brain-related serial killer and finds that he’s performed some brain carving on the latest victim, too. And, yet again, a piece of the brain was sent to Vogel. Dexter finds a murder weapon and is hopeful he can grab prints. No wasted motion in this season, it seems.
Captain Matthews has been riding Batista to find new candidates for sergeant. He tells Quinn that he needs to take his career more seriously and go for the test. Batista then also reveals that he knows Quinn’s been sticking it to his sister. What a benevolent way to handle someone typically acting like a complete degenerate plowing your blood.
The pressure from Batista makes Quinn a little skittish about things and leads to an argument with him and Jamie. Jamie tells Batista to stay out of her life. Very important filler going on here.
El Sapo is found dead in his car at the hands of a panicky gunman. Dexter fears that whomever killed El Sapo could be after Deb and goes to her house. Somehow this leads to Deb reopening the can of worms about how she wanted to love him. And she then tells him he has to go again because she’s still working through a lot of shit.
Dexter finds that Deb’s blood was on El Sapo’s car and he assumes she’s the one who shot him to death. Deb’s brought in for casual questioning as she’s not considered a suspect yet. But when Quinn asks her about details, she has a panic attack that requires Dexter to step in. Deb admits that something happened with El Sapo but that it’s all hazy.
Dexter then tells Deb that they found a gun in El Sapo’s glove compartment and it might be hers. Deb tells Dexter to get rid of it from evidence then, but Dexter asks what she’d do if he weren’t there to cover her ass. Naturally, Deb doesn’t take too kindly to it given the whole thing how she shot LaGuerta and never told anyone to protect him. Dexter makes the gun switch and I’m sure Deb will be very grateful.
Dexter tracks down the brain surgery murderer, or so it seems. He tracks Sussman down to a cabin only to find Sussman hanging in something that looks like a suicide.
When Dexter drops the news on Vogel, she seems surprisingly nonplussed and more focused on what happened between Dexter and Deb. Is this a misdirection or is Vogel obviously behind the murders and using Dexter as a pawn? The latter seems more likely but I suppose we’ll see.
Vogel then calls Dexter back to her place when she’s afraid someone is in her house. They find a DVD that shows Sussman was coerced into killing the man by someone off camera with a gun to his head. Dexter doesn’t take the news that he fingered the wrong guy well — particularly when combined with his Deb problems — and this all seems like Vogel is setting this all up to gain control of Dexter somehow. I’m hoping it’s going to a more surprising place than that but it’s seeming pretty unlikely.
—
While the jury’s still out on this season, you have to like how the storylines aren’t being dragged out quite as much as previous years. In another season, I’d wager that the Sussman red herring would extend for at least three episodes. But this season they’re just using these twists to tell the larger final story.
I may be in the minority, though, and I’m just not into the Vogel story. It’s interesting to learn about her place in Dexter’s background but it also seems extremely likely that she’s behind everything related to the brain surgery serial killer to play Dexter for some reason. I’m willing to go along with the ride but, if that’s the case, I’d rather get to our conclusion sooner than later so that we can resolve all of the other far more interesting hanging threads of the show.
Episode gets three out of five bags of tampered evidence this week. Still optimistic about the season and let’s hope the road to the conclusion it’s as obvious as it seems.
Jazz Guy, Flickr
Bar crawls are almost always a good time. You get to hang out with good friends, you get to meet a lot of new people and hey, you get to get drunk, which let’s face it helps to make anything a good time. The only problem is that a bar crawl can turn into a logistical nightmare, with people getting lost, separated from their friends, chasing each other down all night and wandering all alone, drunk in the middle of the street like a hobo. Well, we’re here to make sure none of that happens with these nine tips for surviving a bar crawl. You’re welcome, America. You’re welcome.
Photo credit: Jazz Guy, Flickr
9 Have a Plan
David Crummey, Flickr
You don’t have to be Martha Stewart with OCD here, but it’s a good idea to have a general game plan. Know which bars you plan to hit and at least have a vague order of how you’re going to hit them. That way, if things start to unravel along the way, everybody in your group will at least have a general idea of where to go to try to get things back on track. Of course, even the best game plans fall apart in the bottom of a bottle so it might be a good idea to have one of your friends serve as a sort of designated babysitter, someone who’s okay with hanging out all night and having fun without get wasted and won’t mind keeping the rest of you from wandering off alone and being hauled in by the cops after they find you missing your pants and incoherently harassing the sandwich makers at Subway.
Photo credit: David Crummey, Flickr
8 Pace Yourself
Santiago Zavala, Flickr
This one is very important. You don’t want to be the guy who blows his wad at the very first stop and gets too drunk to continue. That’s no fun for anyone. Your friends either have to decide to stay behind with you, which ruins their night, or leave you in the care of an annoyed bartender who will probably spend all night fantasizing about smashing a bottle upside your head and then dumping your body in the dumpster in the alley out back. Sure, doing a line of tequila shooters might sound like a fun way to start off the night, but this is a marathon, not a sprint and you don’t want to be the dude cramping up before the end of the first mile, do you?
Photo credit: Santiago Zavala, Flickr
7 Don’t Get Bogged Down
Elizabeth Murphy, Flickr
The best way to pace yourself is to make sure you don’t get bogged down in one bar for too long. You don’t want to park yourself on a stool – or worse, in a booth – because pretty soon you won’t want to get up. You’ll just want to sit there and drink. And the thing about that is that it’s hard to gauge how drunk you really are without moving around a lot. Just remember that you’re there to get experience lots of different bars, not just one. Look at it like casual dating. You’re just looking for a good time, not trying to get married.
Photo credit: Elizabeth Murphy, Flickr
6 Don’t Be in a Rush
BluEyedA73, Flickr
You don’t want to get bogged down, but perhaps even more importantly, you don’t want to be in such a hurry to get to the next bar that you don’t take the time to relax a bit and enjoy the one you’re already in. That’s a surefire way to kill a bar crawl. It’s a delicate balancing act. You want to experience as many bars as possible, but you want to actually experience them, not feel like a tourist on some walking tour of the city’s pubs. It’s important to be in the moment while maintaining an agenda for the rest of the night in the back of your head.
Photo credit: BluEyedA73, Flickr
5 Have an Exit Strategy
Elizabeth Murphy, Flickr
Before each bar, talk about the general plan. Figure out how long you want to stay, how much you want to drink, and maybe even coordinate some signals that you can shoot each other across a crowded room to let each other know that it’s time to move on. Again, though, it’s a balancing act. You don’t want to be too specific or else you’ll just spend the whole time staring at your watch. That’s too rigid and nobody will have any fun. Leave some wiggle room so that you can get a feel for each place – some will be better than others, and naturally you’ll want to stay longer in some places – that way if you find someone cool you want to get to know better, you can manage that without feeling like you’re speed dating. So have an exit strategy before you go in, but keep it loose.
Photo credit: Elizabeth Murphy, Flickr
4 Give Your Friends Their Space
Thomas sauzedde, Flickr
A common mistake in a bar crawl is running around in one big herd. You look like a gang of tourists or scared gazelles huddling together for protection. At best, you’ll look standoffish and no one will feel comfortable intruding on your group. At worst, you’ll look like a bunch of dorks. Spread out, talk to new people and don’t worry too much if one of your friends gets bored and splits early for the next place. That’s what the game plan is for. Again, don’t be afraid to be in the moment.
Photo credit: Thomas sauzedde, Flickr
3 Don’t Get Too Separated
David Crummey, Flickr
As important as giving each other space is, the worst thing you can do in a bar crawl is to get too separated. Once this happens, the whole night becomes a frustrating exercise in phone tag and hide and seek. Give each other space to do your own thing, but keep one eye out for each other too. This is where signals come into play and a game plan and exit strategy become vitally important. A good idea is to never let yourself become separated by more than one bar at a time. So if you do see a friend split early for the next place, you don’t have to rush out after him but remind yourself to wrap things up at the current place sooner rather than later.
Photo credit: David Crummey, Flickr
2 Don’t Mix
dennis crowley, Flickr
This is a general rule of thumb whenever you’re drinking but it’s especially applicable in a bar crawl, where different bars have different specialties and different deals. Do not mix beer with liquor. Just don’t do it. Unless, of course, you plan on the world ending before you have to wake up the next morning. But even before then, mixing can have disastrous consequences. If you start off mixing, chances are you’ll be vomiting in the street before you even get to the last place on your crawl.
Photo credit: dennis crowley, Flickr
1 Enjoy Yourself
dennis crowley, Flickr
Everything that’s already been said takes a backseat to this one golden rule. Enjoy yourself. Everything else should be in service to that one thing. All these other tips exist just to make sure that you get the maximum amount of enjoyment out of your crawl, and the moment any of them start to seem like work, it’s time to take a step back, relax and allow yourself to have fun. Do not make this harder than it has to be. Just use common sense, keep these helpful hints in the back of your mind, remind yourself to have fun and you’ll be fine.
Photo credit: dennis crowley, Flickr
