Paulina Gretzky got a helper monkey that will probably hump her

June 27, 2013, 1:45 pm

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Instagram/Paulina Gretzky

It appears Paulina Gretzky got a monkey which is totally unfair because I want a monkey. I asked Guyism to get me one that would grab me beer from the fridge and do cool stuff like throw poop on people. But no.

Do you know how awesome it would be if I had a monkey around? Do know how many awesome GIFs I could make?

Oh, hey guys, here’s the monkey in a tuxedo eating Taco Bell. Oh, hey, here he is challenging me to a push up contest. Wait, yea, that’s him humping a Kate Upton poster.

Ugh. So many possibilities. I envy you Paulina Gretzky. Also, I love you. But it’s like jealous love. Also, I enjoy your boobs. Thank you.

(h/t: The Big Lead)

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What to watch tonight: NBA draft, ‘Burn Notice’

June 27, 2013, 2:00 pm

≫ Next: Late Night Diner Bingo is a drunken good time

≪ Previous: Paulina Gretzky got a helper monkey that will probably hump her

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USA

Tonight sucks unless you like the NBA draft. If that’s the case, enjoy. If not, go play outside.

Conan @ 11pm, TBS: Outspoken NFL punter Chris Kluwe makes an appearance.

NBA Draft @ 7:30pm, ESPN

Burn Notice @ 9pm, USA

Hell’s Kitchen @ 8pm, FOX

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Late Night Diner Bingo is a drunken good time

June 27, 2013, 2:20 pm

≫ Next: Must See Imagery: 23 hilarious pics to get you through Thursday

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Eating at a diner after a night of drinking is a great way to prevent a hangover, but it’s also an endless source of entertainment. Late Night Diner Bingo is the best way to ensure you appreciate those oddities during 4th meal. I don’t know where our friends at Mandatory are eating, but that’s where I want to be.

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Mandatory

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Must See Imagery: 23 hilarious pics to get you through Thursday

June 27, 2013, 2:40 pm

≫ Next: The 5 most boring things about strip clubs

≪ Previous: Late Night Diner Bingo is a drunken good time

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Facebook/Unlawful Humor

In today’s Must See Imagery we have some furry creatures, hilarious memes, sexy photobombs, and more! Aggregating content from the web’s hottest sources: Facebook, Tumblr, Imgur (often via Reddit), amongst others, we’re able to save you those precious man hours that can be used for things like grilling red meat, or wondering who the hell that sexy girl was in that commercial you just saw. If you come across any photos you think should be included in this daily feature then head on over HERE and post them to our Facebook wall, and I’ll be sure to include them (provided they don’t suck, and you actually understand what funny is).

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Facebook/Unlawful Humor

Yes, it is a sign from above.

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Facebook/Bear’s Beer and Bacon

Can you sense my alcoholic tendencies poking their way to the surface today?

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Facebook/Piss Myself Laughing

Yup, life isn’t going your way.

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Facebook/Piss Myself Laughing

Seriously though, I want an explanation.

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Facebook/Offensive to the Mainstream

Early childhood rearing in a nutshell.

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Facebook/Unlawful Humor

Run to the hills.

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Facebook/Bear’s Beer and Bacon

I honestly cannot say that I have.

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Facebook/Hey Look At This Stuff

How long is he going to pretend to be a rabbit?

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Facebook/Unlawful Humor

What the balls is that man in the back wearing?

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Facebook/Bear’s Beer and Bacon

That’s me, I’m the whisperer.

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Facebook/Ohhh S**t

Oh, well that explains that.

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Facebook/Bear’s Beer and Bacon

Aka, the Heaven Burger.

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Facebook/Piss Myself Laughing

He’s the man.

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Facebook/Unlawful Humor

So. Damn. Beautiful.

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Facebook/Hey Look At This Stuff

I 100% support this idea.

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Facebook/Unlawful Humor

I’m sure that felt wonderful.

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Imgur/Pennock12

Amen to that.

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Imgur/jbennett0043

They’re talking about ana’s lex, also I might be dyslexic.

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Imgur/Itchy_Craphole

Even bear-dogs recognize how awesome boobs are.

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Imgur/Imeages

Dudes, not cool!

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Imgur/clark6050

SAVE OUR TROOPS!

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Imgur/bleufoxx22

Take all my money now!

If you enjoyed this and want more amazing content then be sure to GO LIKE US ON FACEBOOK for an endless stream of hilarity!

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The 5 most boring things about strip clubs

June 27, 2013, 3:00 pm

≫ Next: Shane van der Westhuizen has a really long name, no top

≪ Previous: Must See Imagery: 23 hilarious pics to get you through Thursday

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MTV Guy Code

So many guys pretend that strip clubs are perfect and awesome. Sorry, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Let’s be honest: a lot of things about strip clubs are just downright boring.

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Shane van der Westhuizen has a really long name, no top

June 27, 2013, 3:15 pm

≫ Next: Rouge Sucette: The first cola flavored wine

≪ Previous: The 5 most boring things about strip clubs

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Shane van der Westhuizen, as you may or may nor recall, is the sexy actress in the bikini in that Axe Apollo commercial with the astronaut. So when I saw her posing topless in this video I figured I would share. Granted this video is from a few months ago, but it’s new to me and did I mention that it’s Shane van der Westhuizen, the sexy actress in the bikini from that Axe Apollo commercial with the astronaut? One of the best commercials ever made? And that she’s pretty much topless? Which is, uh, awesome? I don’t know where Shane van der Westhuizen finished in FHM South Africa’s voting for their 100 Sexiest Women in the World issue, but if she isn’t in the top 20 there needs to be a recount.

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Photo credit: YouTube/FHM

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Rouge Sucette: The first cola flavored wine

June 27, 2013, 3:30 pm

≫ Next: Sly and Arnold team up in ‘Escape Plan’ trailer

≪ Previous: Shane van der Westhuizen has a really long name, no top

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A French company has created Rouge Sucette, the world’s first cola flavored wine. Maybe the French aren’t so bad after all!

Pauline Lacombe, marketing director for Hausmann Famille, said the drink, which translated into English means ‘red lollipop’, is aimed at younger drinkers and women. “We did a lot of taste tests and we think it could work for the ‘Coke generation’.”

I don’t know exactly who the Coke generation is, but they’re about to be much less sober. Sure they could just keep adding whiskey like the rest of us, but this way they can pretend to be classy while getting drunk.

I don’t really see this taking off with women. Ladies are all about the real wine unless you call it dessert.

The cola-flavored wine, which is 75% grapes and 25% water and aromas, is only 9% ABV. This could be the end of women’s standard chorus, “I don’t know how I got so drunk, I only had two glasses of wine!” Of course that usually means they had 4 or 5, so they will probably still be tipsy.

via Just-Drinks photo by Danroc

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Sly and Arnold team up in ‘Escape Plan’ trailer

June 27, 2013, 3:45 pm

≫ Next: Korean pop singer goes to kiss fan, gets shut down in awkwardest way

≪ Previous: Rouge Sucette: The first cola flavored wine

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Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger team up to break out of super-jail in Escape Plan. Yes, 50 Cent is in the movie, but it the trailer looks surprisingly good.

Arnold and Sly are doing their best to resurrect some semblance of a career. Not much is working outside of The Expendables franchise though. Could Escape Plan be their ticket back to mainstream action? Who knows, but it’s certainly has a better chance than The Last Stand or Bullet to the Head. Adding Jim Caviezel and Vinnie Jones certainly doesn’t hurt their cause either as they both excel at playing tough guy parts without hamming it up.

Speaking of Arnold Schwarzeneggar going to jail.

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Korean pop singer goes to kiss fan, gets shut down in awkwardest way

June 27, 2013, 4:00 pm

≫ Next: GIFterpiece Theatre: Who is this mysterious woman?

≪ Previous: Sly and Arnold team up in ‘Escape Plan’ trailer

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You always see American R&B dudes inviting girls on stage and molesting them in some fashion. Not the case in Korea, apparently, as singer Taeyang shows in this awkward video with a fan during a concert.

Appropriately, the song is titled “I Need A Girl”. He may want to release a remix titled “How Is Psy Getting Laid And I’m Not”. Set a melody to that shit and we’re onto something.

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GIFterpiece Theatre: Who is this mysterious woman?

June 27, 2013, 4:30 pm

≫ Next: Lucas Nogueira is a member of the All-Hair team

≪ Previous: Korean pop singer goes to kiss fan, gets shut down in awkwardest way

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So who is this woman? HINT: she was once named the most beautiful woman in the world. You’ll have to click through the GIF to find out.

Welcome to GIFterpiece Theatre–Guyism’s daily installment of the internet’s best GIFs. Check out some of our favorites from the world of celebs, TV, sports and humor.

15Um, wow

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14 Boob shot

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13 Here’s a cat body surfing

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12 Something’s coming out of her vagina

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11 Messed him up

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10 Darwin

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9 What a boss move

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8 Did you see our tribute to camel toe today?

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7 Sooner or later someone will throw a kick

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6 Surprise ending

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5 Important bouncing GIF

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4 So she’s pretty good at what she does

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3 Epic flop

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2 Good ol’ stapler prank

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1 So what?

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Lucas Nogueira is a member of the All-Hair team

June 27, 2013, 6:33 pm

≫ Next: Alec Baldwin loses his mind on Twitter, threatens journalist’s life

≪ Previous: GIFterpiece Theatre: Who is this mysterious woman?

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ESPN

The Boston Celtics selected Lucas Nogueira of Brazil with the 16th pick. Lucas is a 7-footer with unbelievable athleticism and oh my God, look at his hair.

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Alec Baldwin loses his mind on Twitter, threatens journalist’s life

June 27, 2013, 8:00 pm

≫ Next: Corey Crawford is a man of few words, most of which are profane

≪ Previous: Lucas Nogueira is a member of the All-Hair team

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Alec Baldwin just let loose on a Daily Mail writer named George Stark on Twitter. At issue is an article Stark wrote insinuating that Baldwin’s wife tweeted during James Gandolfini’s funeral.

A brief excerpt from Stark’s piece:

It may not be considered funeral etiquette, but Alec Baldwin and his heavily pregnant wife Hilaria took to Twitter during James Gandolfini’s service today.

The pregnant yoga instructor’s social media feed was full of upbeat posts while the Sopranos star’s friends, family and co-stars were gripped with grief at a New York Catholic church.

Messages included a request for ideas about wedding anniversary presents and promotional notes about her upcoming appearance on the Rachael Ray show.

Baldwin responded in kind by eviscerating Stark on Twitter. A curb stomp not seen since American History X.

Someone wrote that my wife was tweeting at a funeral. Hey. That's not true. But I'm gonna tweet at your funeral.

— ABFoundation (@ABFalecbaldwin) June 27, 2013

George Stark, you lying little bitch. I am gonna f%#@ you up. http://t.co/eoHfGGjD46

— ABFoundation (@ABFalecbaldwin) June 28, 2013

I want all of my followers and beyond to straighten out this fucking little bitch, George Stark. @MailOnline http://t.co/eoHfGGjD46

— ABFoundation (@ABFalecbaldwin) June 28, 2013

If put my foot up your fucking ass, George Stark, but I'm sure you'd dig it too much http://t.co/eoHfGGjD46

— ABFoundation (@ABFalecbaldwin) June 28, 2013

I'm gonna find you, George Stark, you toxic little queen, and I'm gonna fuck…you…up. http://t.co/eoHfGGjD46

— ABFoundation (@ABFalecbaldwin) June 28, 2013

The Daily Mail is Britain’s version of TMZ, a dysfunctional gossip rag with writers that spew diarrhea on a screen and call it news. Perhaps, and I don’t know, call me crazy here, Mrs. Baldwin had somebody tweeting for her during the funeral. Someone who wasn’t there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there. Why are you thinking out of the box?

I’m normally anti-Baldwin but this, nah, I support the ornery bastard here.

*Clarification: I support his anger towards the Daily Mail not the specific words he used.

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Corey Crawford is a man of few words, most of which are profane

June 28, 2013, 10:50 am

≫ Next: 25 Animated GIF Salute: Your weekly tribute to hot chick GIFs

≪ Previous: Alec Baldwin loses his mind on Twitter, threatens journalist’s life

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Corey Crawford said 32 words at the Blackhawks Stanley Cup parade this afternoon. Most of it was incoherent, some of it was profane, all of it was awesome.

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25 Animated GIF Salute: Your weekly tribute to hot chick GIFs

June 28, 2013, 11:00 am

≫ Next: Introducing Chet and Megan – Guyism Speed Round for June 28

≪ Previous: Corey Crawford is a man of few words, most of which are profane

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This week’s GIFs salute features the lovely Genesis Rodriguez, pantless Miley Cyrus and a mystery woman.

25 Her shirt doesn’t seem to fit

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24 Solid camera pan

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23 Important Genesis Rodriguez update

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22 Click through for an HD guide to camel toe

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21 Must be before Labor Day

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20 Is this a perfect GIF?

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19 Hot or not: Mysterious woman edition (clicked through to find out who)

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18 We said goodbye to our beloved Katie Nolan this week

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17 Is this even a GIF?

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16 WHERE. ARE. YOUR. PANTS?

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15 Just a nibble

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14 Olivia Munn walking looped forever

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13 HOT: Ronda Rousey undressing

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12 Boobs, no head

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11 Now this looks like a fashion show I’d go to

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10 Diddling the door jam

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9 But are they vaccinated against herpes?

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8 Just as cool as the Kate Upton panoramic GIF

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7 No wonder Mario worked so hard

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6 Have mercy

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5 South African swimsuit hottie Careen Truter

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4 There’s an arrow coming out of her vagina

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3 Bree Kleintop is a world class surfer

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2 Stay tuned for a Guyism exclusive video of Jenny Nguyen

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1 Maria Menounos boob bounce

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Introducing Chet and Megan – Guyism Speed Round for June 28

June 28, 2013, 11:10 am

≫ Next: This is a man running 25 MPH on a treadmill

≪ Previous: 25 Animated GIF Salute: Your weekly tribute to hot chick GIFs

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In today’s Guyism Speed Round, Chet Siegel meets Katie Nolan, talks to people on the street about pole dancing, and tries her hand at the Speed Round. Watch and tell us what you think!

We’ll update the post when Megan Gaber’s video is live shortly!

Don’t forget to subscribe on YouTube to see whom we pick!

Did you see all the girls so far? If not, check here to see the previous finalists.

Missed an episode? See all of the recent Guyism Speed Rounds here.

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This is a man running 25 MPH on a treadmill

June 28, 2013, 11:15 am

≫ Next: 15 hilarious ‘you’ve been cut off’ drunk stories

≪ Previous: Introducing Chet and Megan – Guyism Speed Round for June 28

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Arizona Cardinals rookie WR Robert Gill isn’t a household name. But if he can somehow turn his ability on a treadmill into something on a football field, he might just be worth something.

The 29-year-old undrafted free agent isn’t expected to make the team. Fortunately, he’s got a great future ahead in running away from hungry coyotes with an affinity for ACME products.

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15 hilarious ‘you’ve been cut off’ drunk stories

June 28, 2013, 11:30 am

≫ Next: First clip from ‘Nymphomaniac’

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BroBible

If you like to drink, chances are high you’ve either been cut off from a bar or witnessed someone get cut off from a bar. But how do your stories compare to these epic events?

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First clip from ‘Nymphomaniac’

June 28, 2013, 11:45 am

≫ Next: Twitter Crazy: This week’s best celebrity tweets

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With a title like that, what do you think the movie’s about? Lars Von Trier is one of those guys who just puts his balls to the wall with every movie, and his filmography has included some truly unforgettable and envelope-pushing moments. His latest, Nymphomaniac, looks to keep the streak going. The flick stars a huge cast, including Charlotte Gainsbourg, Shia LaBeouf, Jamie Bell, Uma Thurman, Willem Dafoe, Stellan Skarsgård, Christian Slater and Connie Nielsen. It’s about a woman recounting her 50 year sexual history to a man she just met. Here’s the first clip, which features Stacy Martin as the woman as a girl learning about exactly what boys will do for sex. Nymphomaniac has no release date set yet.

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Twitter Crazy: This week’s best celebrity tweets

June 28, 2013, 12:00 pm

≫ Next: Woman goes absolutely nuts, gets thrown into pool twice and arrested

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eldh, Flickr

Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.

Photo credit: eldh, Flickr

Next Monday we'll be leaking another quick song clip from the new album, stay tuned for 'Burn' #theprettyreckless pic.twitter.com/GkqnmJx3Jf

— Taylor Momsen (@taylormomsen) June 24, 2013

When you say you’re leaking something, you’re not leaking something.

If I want to seem upset all I have to do is think about Dylan fucking Kelly when Brenda was in Paris and I'm 100% there.

— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 24, 2013

That fucking Dylan. What a jerk.

Immortality is about 25 years away. nanobots

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) June 24, 2013

If you make it to 2050 you will never die and will be able to set your perma-age

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) June 24, 2013

Thank you, Professor Canseco.

You know those Sex Houses, the little wooden houses with the hole for your dick that people hang in trees? Apparently those are for birds.

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 25, 2013

I wondered why my neighbors looked at me funny.

Someone just passed Aaron Hernandez house yelling "Tebow!"

— Michele Steele (@ESPNMichele) June 25, 2013

Of course they did.

Girl Scouts of America struggling to close $347m pension deficit. That's what happens when all your best cookie saleswomen retire at age 11.

— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) June 25, 2013

They really need to work on their retention plan.

The Supreme Court's ruling is lame. They should've done something cool, like make it illegal for people who drive PT Cruisers to vote.

— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 25, 2013

That would show some true interest in helping America.

I get so damn flustered at the drive-through window, as if once the goods are handed over I have to peel out quick before the cops get me.

— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) June 25, 2013

Been there.

Once upon a time I didn't own a single Samurai Sword. I now possess three…

— Rashard Mendenhall (@R_Mendenhall) June 25, 2013

Good story.

nancy grace's lighting on CNN is as soft as a 95 year old's pee hole

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) June 26, 2013

How does she know how soft that is?

"We invented a time machine! It's called lying." – Texas Senate

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) June 26, 2013

Politicians are so smart.

I'd like to legislate your balls & penis & give u a mandatory anal probe.

— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) June 26, 2013

I hope she isn’t talking to me.

Twitter/Ustream/social media is breaking news on #SB5 exponentially faster than any tv news source… pretty nuts.

— Brooklyn Decker (@BrooklynDecker) June 26, 2013

That’s because TV news blows.

OJ Simpson just texted me and said Aaron Hernandez did it.

— Gregory Shane Helms (@ShaneHelmsCom) June 26, 2013

Case closed then.

"Mr. Hernandez, you're under arrest." "Can I have a second to pull my arms into my t-shirt so you can't see I'm hand-cuffed?" "Of course."

— Seth Meyers (@sethmeyers) June 26, 2013

Actual conversation.

I bet if Aaron Hernandez could change things, he'd go back and win a Heisman Trophy because then he could murder anyone he wants.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) June 26, 2013

Best OJ – Hernandez joke of the week.

Any straight person complaining about the Supreme Court striking down DOMA should be forced to hire a heterosexual wedding planner.

— Joan Rivers (@Joan_Rivers) June 26, 2013

That’d just be cruel and unusual.

Retweet if you believe everyone should be able to marry the person they love. #LoveIsLove pic.twitter.com/jGSProRoUN

— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) June 26, 2013

Troll so hard.

Lessons already learned this week: 1. Never upset Boston fans. 2. Never diss Bieber. 3. NEVER start a murder trial with a knock-knock joke.

— Alyssa Campanella (@AlyssCampanella) June 27, 2013

Three valuable lessons.

I am happy gay couples can commit themselves to unbearable agony and misery…as I once did! #gaymarriage :-)

— Adrianne Curry (@AdrianneCurry) June 27, 2013

Suckers…

Took an hour-long shower trying to wash off 3 years of rooting for Aaron Hernandez.

— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) June 27, 2013

Gonna have to really scrub to get that stink off.

Best Twitter feed ever ever: @ramada

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) June 27, 2013

Ever.

If there was a 4Square for sitting in front of your laptop trying to remember what you were going to do, I'd be the mayor of that.

— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) June 27, 2013

Me every day.

I am deleting all of my gun selfies.

— Alison Forns (@alisonforns) June 28, 2013

Smart move.

Twitter Is High School For Adults

— Amanda Bynes (@AmandaBynes) June 28, 2013

And in some cases pre-school.

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Woman goes absolutely nuts, gets thrown into pool twice and arrested

June 28, 2013, 12:15 pm

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There’s crazy and then there’s tearing down a fence to yell at you some more crazy. This woman is setting all sorts of world records for female insanity.

She was so much more resilient the first time she got thrown out of the pool. The second time she just looked so defeated. I’d feel bad for her if there weren’t a virtual certainty that she would still claw my eyes out and yell at me excessively for merely existing.

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