MTV Guy Code
Finding a girl with a primo work situation can mean perks up to your eyeballs. Here are the absolute best jobs for your girlfriend to have if you fall on hard times and lose your job. [LINK]
↧
10 best jobs your girlfriend can have if you’re unemployed
↧
Eastern Michigan signed a recruit today and well, you won’t believe his name
Hakuna Matata, means no worries for the rest of Eastern Michigan’s days as they’ve signed a recruit named…
LION KING CONWAY!
I can’t even man.
The last NLI has been approved and the 2014 EMU recruiting class officially stands at 17. Our final new Eagle is…Lion King! #EMUSigningDay
— EMU Football (@EMUFB) February 5, 2014
Lion King hails from the jungles of Southfield, Michigan. He plays defensive end. His uncle, a scraggly fella named Scar tried to steer him towards Western Michigan–but Lion King held firm, held steadfast in his belief.
So congrats Eastern Michigan, you got a star. More importantly, you got the king of the jungle.
↧
↧
Are you watching too much porn? The answer might surprise you
Porn is the most popular thing on the Internet by far. But are we watching so much that it might be considered unhealthy? This may help you figure that out.
Here’s my personal rule of thumb: If you can recognize a male porn actor solely by his penis, you’re watching porn too much but you’re not addicted. If you can identify a male porn actor by his balls and anus when you get that back-of-balls camera angle, you need to go to porn rehab ASAP. Just clean yourself up first.
↧
This just in: Mariah Carey still has large breasts
Mariah Carey, Instagram
Because it’s been awhile, we were just sitting here wondering to ourselves if Mariah Carey still had big boobs. Thankfully, she has Instagram and shared a photo wearing a bikini top so we could rest easy knowning that yes, she still does. This is why social media was invented, folks.
Related: Top 90 female celebrity crushes of the 1990′s
“Working in my most favorite environment clearly having a bad hair day.. Haaaaaa,” captioned Mariah. Wait, her hair is in this photo?
I guess, even at age 43, when you do interviews in a negligee and tweet bra pics to your husband on his birthday, this is really nothing. Keep it up, Mariah.
So how does this photo compare to say, Mariah in 1999? Well, she posted a pic of herself in a bikini from 1999 a couple of weeks ago, so we also know that answer.
Not bad, Mariah. Curves are still in all the right places. Not bad at all.
↧
Qdoba adds two new quesos to the menu for a limited time
Qdoba
The fast-casual burrito war has two contenders, Qdoba and Chipotle. One of them just took their strong suit and made it even better.
Chipotle maintains an edge in steak and commercials, but they can’t compete with Qdoba’s mole sauce (technically Ancho Chili BBQ) and their 3-Cheese Queso. Now they’re creating an even bigger gap in their already dominant sauce selection by adding Queso Diablo and Queso Verde to the assembly line for a limited time.
The new Queso Diablo features a blend of fiery jalapenos and smoky chipotles that are sure to fire up any entrée, while Queso Verde blends fresh cilantro and lime juice for a fresh, zesty flavor. Both new Quesos use Qdoba’s 3-Cheese Queso as their base.
If only there was a way to try all three at once without having to get three burritos (which I would do in a heartbeat). Oh, there is? Of course there is! Those Qdoba people think of everything.
For a limited time, guests can experience the new Queso Diablo and Queso Verde alongside their favorite original 3-Cheese Queso and chips with the Queso Sampler.
There has never been a sampler platter that I haven’t wanted to eat, and that story isn’t changing today. It’s been at least 6 days since my last visit to Qdoba, and it’s about time for a return. Hopefully I don’t get in a fight with their fancy million-option fountain machine like I did last year.
↧
↧
This week in Facebook idiocy (48 pics)
In this week’s Facebook Idiocy we see some hilarious grammar FAILs, timely social commentary, and more! Every week on the Internet we see screen shots of unfortunate interactions on everybody’s favorite social network, Facebook. If we’re lucky enough we actually get to encounter these hilarious lapses of judgment but alas we are not all so lucky. But don’t despair, we here at Guyism are now offering you the very best in weekly Facebook mishaps. Whether you’re looking for the funniest Facebook fails, ultimate Facebook cringe, or enjoy seeing some Facebook win, I’ll try to provide a bit of everything here. So contrary to the name, you may in fact find some hilarious Facebook statuses here that don’t necessarily fall into the idiotic category.
If you enjoyed this and want more funny content then go like us on Facebook for an endless stream of hilarity.
Photo Credits: Facebook Screenshots, Failbook, Lamebook
If you’d like to submit a photo for consideration drop it on our Facebook page HERE.
↧
10 lip balm flavors you never knew existed
I’ve never put much thought into Chapstick, but when I saw Mountain Dew flavored lip balm, I knew it needed to be mine. Thanks, eBay. It turns out there’s a slew of obscure candy, soda, and other lip balm flavors out there I never knew existed. These are just a few, but you can get lost down the Amazon well even easier than you can Wikipedia.
For those curious, the Mountain Dew lip balm tastes ever so slightly like the Dew. I wouldn’t be able to place it without the label though.
↧
High school star thought he’d never play football again. One simple act of kindness changed his life
College football is known as a tough place where young men often find themselves not getting what they expected. But one high schooler learned that, sometimes, good things can happen to good people.
Skyline High School football star Cedric Collins, Jr. was shaping up to be an elite prospect as a junior in 2012. As a defensive back with elite speed, Collins was recruited by teams all over the country.
YouTube/SEC Recruiting
He opted to accept a verbal scholarship offer from home state powerhouse Texas A&M in August 2012.
Cedric led the Skyline Raiders to the playoffs that year. The first round match-up came against Plano High School on November 16, 2012. On that day, Cedric Collins, Jr.’s life would change forever.
During a routine play, Collins was blocked by an opposing player and ended up on his back. As Collins exited the field, he assumed it was a normal leg injury despite the fact that he lost feeling in his legs.
Several tests and specialist visits later revealed an unfortunate finding: Collins suffered from Klippel-Feil Syndrome, a congenital fusion of vertebrae that’s rare but even more rare in an elite athlete.
The diagnosis came in: If he continued to play football, he risked a high likelihood of paralysis. Collins would never play football again.
The sky had fallen for Collins; with his speed and pedigree, he could have made waves at Texas A&M, maybe even gone pro some day. Instead, he faced the reality of a life without football.
Rather than turn a cold shoulder to Collins, Texas A&M invited Collins along with several other recruits to the College Station campus in January 2013. What football head coach Kevin Sumlin told the Collins family would change their lives.
“He told us as long as he was at A&M, the education would be taken care of,” Collins’ father told the Dallas Morning News. “I can’t express how thankful we are.”
Collins will attend Texas A&M on a full scholarship — “the same scholarship that the starting quarterback has,” the senior Collins points out — and work as a student coach and spend a lot of time around the program to prepare for a possible future career in coaching.
His athletic career may not be over, either; because it’s a non-contact sport, Collins plans on running track this Spring.
After losing so much, Texas A&M gave the Collins family a chance to grab a big piece of it back.
“He’s still going to A&M, and the education is the ultimate goal,” Collins, Sr. said. “Something really positive is going to come out of it.”
↧
This man lost his son two years ago and now he just wants one simple thing from the Internet
John Berlin lost his son, Jesse Berlin, two years ago. And now he has one simple request from the Internet that may move you to tears.
In case you’re dubious of some sort of emotional video designed to get people to share it, the story checks out: A news story about the death of Jesse Berlin, published in February 2012, matches up with his father John’s story.
A Facebook profile belonging to Jesse Berlin confirms the inactivity since his passing as well.
Here’s hoping the Berlin family gets what they’re hoping for.
↧
↧
Hot Russian Irina Shayk fixes the Sochi Olympics, by getting half-naked on Instagram
Irina Shayk, Instagram
The Winter Olympics in Sochi might be turning into a disaster of epic proportions, but Russian supermodel Irina Shayk is here to save the day…with her boobs. Human rights issues, weird toilets, tiny hotel rooms, mass mudering of dogs, none of that matters now*. Thank you, Irina. You are a true ambassador for your country.
Related: Irina Shayk restates her case for sexiest bikini model in the world
*I’m kidding. The Olympics are still going to be a mess.
↧
What to watch tonight: ‘Hunting Hitler’s Stolen Treasures: The Monuments Men’
Not much in the way of comedy or drama tonight. Instead, head over to NatGeo for a fascinating documentary on ‘The Monuments Men.’
Hunting Hitler’s Stolen Treasures: The Monuments Men @ 8pm, NatGeo: A documentary about the real Monument Men, not George Clooney and Matt Damon.
Buy This Restaurant @ 9pm, Food Network: We needed another show on the Food Network because FAT.
Top Chef @ 10pm, Bravo: Speak of food shows that have jumped the shark…
Workaholics @ 10pm, Comedy Central: More people need to watch this show.
Chicago P.D. @ 10pm, NBC: I mean, this isn’t the worst show in the world. How’s that for a ringing endorsement?
↧
These are the 33 best pizzas in America
Thrillist
Pizza. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty tasty, but when it’s at its best, there are few things better. And these 33 best in the whole damn country are about as close to Heaven as you can get. [LINK]
↧
Must See Imagery: 22 hilarious Hump Day photos that will cheer you up
In today’s Must See Imagery for Hump Day we have some excellent demotivational posters, adorable furry rascals, sexy women, and more! Aggregating content from the web’s hottest sources: Facebook, Tumblr, Imgur (often via Reddit), amongst others, we’re able to save you those precious man hours that can be used for things like grilling red meat, or wondering who the hell that sexy girl was in that commercial you just saw. If you come across any photos you think should be included in this daily feature then head on over HERE and post them to our Facebook wall, and I’ll be sure to include them (provided they don’t suck, and you actually understand what funny is).
If you enjoyed, and want to see previous editions of our daily Must See Imagery then head on over HERE for the funniest library of pics on the web. Also, make sure to GO LIKE US ON FACEBOOK in order to never miss the very best of Guyism.
↧
↧
Bill Clinton nailed Elizabeth Hurley at the White House, so says Tom Sizemore
Elizabeth Hurley image by Featureflash/Shutterstock
Actor Tom Sizemore, a man with impeccable credentials, recently told a story about how he helped Bill Clinton hook up with Elizabeth Hurley to have sex in the White House. Is it true? Maybe, maybe not, but considering that Liz was about the hottest woman in the world at the time, we’d really like to believe it is.
Related: Top 90 female celebrity crushes of the 1990′s
In an audio recording from January of this year, Sizemore goes into great detail as to how it all went down. Radar has the full report, but here are some of the highlights from Sizemore’s meeting with Clinton at a screening of Saving Private Ryan.
“We walk in,” Sizemore says on the tape, when suddenly Clinton, then in his second-term of office, asked point-blank, “Did you go with Liz Hurley for four years? Do you still see her?”
When Sizemore confirmed they had dated but were no longer together, he says the President asked for her number.
Stunned at the suggestion, Sizemore admitted to being somewhat hesitant to dole out the digits, but claims Clinton insisted: “Give it to me. You dumb mother*****r, I’m the Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America. The buck stops here. Give me the damn number.”
Solid approach. So Willy snagged the number and rang her up.
Clinton said, “Listen Elizabeth, this is the President!” Sizemore recalls. “‘I don’t have any time for this ****. I‘m keeping the world from nuclear war all the time. I’m sending a plane to pick you up.”
Hours later, he claims, Hurley was at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Damn right. He’s Bill fucking Clinton.
As she disappeared into a room with the President, Sizemore charges, “Bill turns to me and he goes, ‘I owe you one.’”
As to what happened after that, Sizemore declares on the tape: “What do you think? She was there for four days. He f***ed her that night.”
This supposedly went on for a year.
Of course, Hurley denies the entire thing…
Ludicrously silly stories about me & Bill Clinton. Totally untrue. In the hands of my lawyers. Yawn.
— Elizabeth Hurley
(@ElizabethHurley) February 5, 2014
Damn.
UPDATE: Of course, now Sizemore says he made the whole thing up. He just doesn’t remember saying it. Like I said, “impeccable credentials.”
↧
The 15 biggest sore losers in sports
Bleacher Report
Losing stinks, but there will always be people who succumb to the white hot fury of being the loser more than others. These are those guys: the biggest sore losers in sports. [LINK]
↧
This object could render you completely obsolete in your girl’s life
Men have faced competition for women’s attention from sex toys before but there was ONE thing they could do that couldn’t be duplicated. Those days are over.
Say what you will about this device but I like how they’re going hard to market it like it’s an Apple accessory. Just because it’s primary function is being a voiceless Rosie the Robot whose sole purpose is eating box doesn’t mean it can’t have a little bit of new-age class. Thanks for taking me that, Lelo Ora (I get it!) sex toy.
(via Barstool Chicago)
↧
GIFterpiece Theatre: Hey kangaroo, do you even lift bro?
IMGUR
This kangaroo lifts more than you and me and probably Arnold Schwarzenegger.
It was hump day
IMGUR
Devin is “divine”
Playboy
Devin Justine’s best impression of those perpetual motion birds.
Is that dog handicapable?
IMGUR
Because boobs
bouncebreak
No freakin way
IMGUR
Dat ass
IMGUR
Ladies, you’ll never be better than Mila
Tumblr/GIFs
JLH, swoon
IMGUR
Ouch
IMGUR
Why you should watch the shield
IMGUR
Smartest cat ever?
IMGUR
can’t stop laughing at this
IMGUR
↧
↧
This photo of Josephine Skriver with her shirt unbuttoned will change your life
Josephine Skriver, Instagram
Creationism vs. evolution? This mind-blowingly hot picture of 20 year-old Danish model Josephine Skriver with her shirt unbuttoned is creationism’s strongest case for there actually being a god. I know I am personally thanking him right now. Him and Armani Exchange for hiring her.
Related: Who’s hotter? Girls who believe in evolution or girls who believe in creationism
Now if the name Josephine Skriver sounds familiar it’s because she was one of the plethora of sexy models who walked the runway in the 2013 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Watch out, Nina Agdal. You’ve got some serious competition now for sexiest Danish woman on the planet.
↧
Who would you rather: Sofia Vergara or Scarlett Johansson?
Guyism Composite
Well, well, well, you forced me to bring out the big guns. Congrats everyone. Last night, Scarlett Johansson narrowly defeated Alexandra Daddario to become a two-day champ. But can she go back-to-back-to-back? She’ll have to defeat Colombian bombshell Sofia Vergara.
Vote on it.
Sofia Vergara
Wallpaper.com
CBS
Wallpaper.com
Hollywood Tuna
ABC
IMGUR
Scarlett Johansson
Wallpapers.com
IMGUR
IMGUR
IMGUR
IMGUR
↧
Newborn ruins family portrait with the most spectacular deuce ever
Babies do four things well. Eat, sleep, look adorable and poop. Two of those were on display in this perfectly timed family portrait.
Alisa Sue photoprahy / Sean Pukajlo
The star of the show? The dog. Just look at its face. Zero f-cks given. He’s all like, “been there, done that, shit happens.”
As for the dad, I have a serious question. Does he keep the pants or does he burn it? I mean, on one hand it’s a family memento. On the other hand, it’s feces. And by the looks of it, very wet, smelly, feces.
Yea or nay on crap-soaked pants?
↧