Lionsgate
I can’t smoke pot at home anymore because my kids think it’s the smell of werewolf farts. So I do it at the movies. Holy crap, dudes. We’re almost done with this Twilight garbage. I’m not a fan. My wife read all of these books in like four days when we had a stomach flu so we were puking all over the place and she went to Target to get the last book even though I was deathly ill because she had to know how it ended. She even admitted that it was totally stupid but she couldn’t stop herself.
And then they made movies. Like a lot of movies. This is the fifth one, and probably the last one (unless they make more of them). So it’s time to wrap up the whole idiotic story and give everybody a happy ending or something.
The lead character, the totally unlikeable Bella Swan, is now a vampire because when she gave birth in the last movie the kid totally messed her up so she had to get bitten by her boyfriend. So now the baby is growing up and instead of trying to find it a good preschool they have to protect it from murder! Some other vampires think that she’s an “immortal child,” which means that someone bit a baby. But nobody bit a baby! Who would bite a baby?
So Kristen Stewart has always acted like a dead person, but now she really acts like one now that she’s a vampire. It’s hard to tell if she’s just a sucky actress who doesn’t know how to act or if this is a conscious decision. Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner aren’t much better. For a movie based on a book, there’s not a lot of dialogue in this movie, and what there is is squeezed out like those tiny rabbit turds.
Basically the whole movie is evil Italian vampires going “We gotta kill that baby!” and other vampires going “No don’t kill that baby!” for like an hour and change, interspersed with the love triangle just dicking around in their new house. It’s REALLY boring! Just as boring as hell.
You know, this movie is still kind of worth seeing because at the end all of the vampires fight and a bunch of heads get cut off. Heads getting cut off is sort of the best thing that could have happened in this movie. I kind of wish that everybody’s heads got cut off, Bella and Edward and Renesmee and everybody. Just heads popping left and right like Mexican jumping beans. I’d watch that.
Disclaimer: I fixed all the spelling and grammar mistakes but left everything else in.