eldh, Flickr
Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Photo credit: eldh, Flickr
ashley judd may run for senate. she can put her dictionary mouth to use. sit around and say big words all day. #luckyus
— David Spade (@DavidSpade) November 12, 2012
Tell us how you really feel about Ashley, David.
Don’t tell Starbucks but I am using their wifi without buying anything. Because fuck them and their “beverages.”
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 12, 2012
You’ll get no argument here.
The M in MTV stands for Mreality shows.
— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) November 12, 2012
It certainly doesn’t stand for “music” anymore.
I love that Viagra commercial where the guy’s truck gets stuck in the mud and he uses his rock-hard boner to get it out.
— Andy Richter (@Andy_Richter) November 12, 2012
Always brings a tear to my eye.
The plot for every “Real Housewives” episode: one wife threw a party and invited every other wife except one… and now there’s bitterness.
— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) November 13, 2012
Great. Now I don’t have to watch it.
After the condom law passed porn stars are leaving Los Angeles, so for the first time ever there’s luggage on the Bang Bus.
— Gerry Duggan (@GerryDuggan) November 13, 2012
Where’s a “rim shot” when you need one?
It’s almost Thanksgiving! A day when you get to hear your extended family use racial slurs for groups who are not taking their jobs away.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) November 13, 2012
At least there’s football!
Tweeting while on codeine = tweeting about shit I shouldn’t be tweeting about #hornycoughsyruptweets
— Adrianne Curry (@AdrianneCurry) November 13, 2012
Someone get me some Codeine quick.
I found it very inappropriate and disturbing to find my grandmother reading Fifty Shades of Grey when I stopped by with my kids yesterday
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) November 13, 2012
You go, grandma.
Every dude who has ever typed FIRST into a comment box should be put on a sinking ship full of women and children and not enough lifeboats.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) November 13, 2012
Oh, c’mon, let them have that one thing in life.
After Friday’s Twilight release, I hope Robert Pattinson will not be seen in public with Kristen–she will cheat on him again!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 13, 2012
Good to know The Donald has thoughts on Rob and K-Stew.
Fall is in the air. No wait, that’s car exhaust. Still, it’s a more autumnal-smelling car exhaust.
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) November 13, 2012
The fumes do smell crisper.
The inflight online service is called Gogo because that is what you mutter the entire time you are using it.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) November 13, 2012
TRUTH.
The hottest toy this holiday season is going to be the “Let Me See Some I.D. Before I Tickle You Elmo.”
— Joan Rivers (@Joan_Rivers) November 13, 2012
Joan Rivers, ladies and gentlemen!
I’ve really grown to hate the dancing children in the Guess commercial playing in NYC cabs.
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) November 13, 2012
But you know it’s a Guess commercial. Marketing!
Mitt Romney is losing 11 “likes” per minute on Facebook. That’s what you get for flip-flopping on Farmville subsidies.
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) November 14, 2012
Stephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen!
Pretty sure the drunk homeless man who just went in this Starbucks bathroom with his pants already unzipped is about to redefine ‘business’.
— erinn hayes (@hayeslady) November 14, 2012
Fuck them and their “beverages.”
black friday not for the black people only for the mexicans and the @josecanseco
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) November 14, 2012
I did not know that.
People put up with a lot more shit when you have boobs.
— Kayden Kross (@Kayden_Kross) November 14, 2012
TRUTH.
Taking my Lab to the vet today and I’ve been told to bring a stool sample. Waiting for this dog to shit’s become a sad metaphor for my life.
— KevinSmith (@ThatKevinSmith) November 15, 2012
Join the club, Kevin.
Shout out to all the rotting pumpkins of mid-November!
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) November 15, 2012
Seriously people, throw those things away.
‘Fairytales are more then true; not because they tell us that dragons exist; but because they tell us dragons can be beaten.’
— Kelly Osbourne (@MissKellyO) November 15, 2012
Your moment of Zen.
Looking forward to the next Bond movie when James bangs his biographer and spills secrets on morning jogs.
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) November 15, 2012
And that brings an end to Petraeus Comedy Week.
Hostess, maker of Twinkies and Wonder Bread, is shutting down. Surprised Ricky Bobby didn’t step in at the last minute.
— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) November 16, 2012
He’s too busy pissing excellence.
I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you guys. But then I eat a plus-size model’s pussy in my helicopter.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) November 16, 2012
And we’re out.