This is an amusing look at some of the craziest sexual positions known to man. Don’t try this at home. Check that. Do try this at home and let us know how you pulled it off. Have that insurance card handy, could get dangerous.
Photos via Wewomen.com
25 The Y-Curve
We Women
“Honey, I can’t find my sock. Can you help me? Yea, I think it’s under the bed. No, like way down in there. Keep looking. And SURPRISE.” Works every time fellas.
Degree of difficulty: 8/10
24 The Galley
We Women
Well, this is awkward. I should just come out with it. After seeing The Galley, I learned that I had sex playing Twister as a 9-year-old boy. On one hand I’m proud of myself for performing at such a young age. On the other hand, wait, I lost my virginity in 4th grade? #HUMBLEBRAG
Degree of difficulty: Had sex when I was 9, don’t care.
23 The Shoulder Stand
We Women
You know, I’m just gonna walk into a Pilates class and proposition a woman for sex. Oh, you can balance yourself on your shoulders? Cool? Can I stick my penis in you?
Degree of difficulty: 9/10
22 The Propeller
We Women
Like, what? My penis doesn’t even face that way. Stop making stuff up Kama Sutra! I want to know ONE person, just one who can pull this off. And then I’d like to examine their genitalia for a serious defect.
Degree of difficulty: 10/10
21 The Standing Wheelbarrow
We Women
I feel like Roger Goodell would hate this. He’d probably outlaw it in the NFL if he could. It’s begging for a head injury, a Grade-2 concussion if somebody slips. I don’t know about you, but I want a woman sans brain damage.
Degree of difficulty: 10/10
20 The Waterfall
We Women
This one goes by a few different names, Waterfall being most common. I’ve also heard Supernova but that makes me think of Oasis and that deflates my boner. This one seems interesting but the one most likely to cause an accidental taint-to-face moment when she falls off. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want anyone’s taint in my eye.
Degree of difficulty: 7/10
19 The Peg
Netmums
This doesn’t even look like a picture of two people having sex. This looks like like she’s cuddling with his…knee? Does the knee have an orifice I’m not aware of?
“With her knees drawn up to her chest, she slips her thighs over his to sandwich his legs. She entwines her arms through his legs while he supports himself on his lower elbow and uses his free hand to guide movement in and out or to play with her perineum and anus.”
Ah yes, the perineum or as I like to call it, The Landing Strip.
Degree of difficulty: 6/10
18 The Laptop
We Women
So I’m a friend’s house, watching the game. I notice some ejaculate on the chair. “Hey man, what the f-ck?” “Yea, sorry, I was on my laptop, watching TV and the wife sort of just jumped on my cock, threw her legs over my shoulders.”
Degree of difficulty: 5/10
17 The Indian Headstand
We Women
First of all, racist. It’s Native American to you. Secondly, this is like the wheelbarrow. Thirdly, my penis is not a parabola. Fourthly, NOPE!
Degree of difficulty: 11/10
16 The Squat Balance
We Women
I feel like this isn’t even a sex position. I feel like somebody was at the gym, saw a woman doing squats, ran over, and stuck his penis in when she wasn’t looking. So, this pretty much amounts to gym rape.
Good job Kama Sutra!
Degree of difficulty: 9/10
15 The Kriss Kross
We Women
Listen, I like Kriss Kross as much the next guy. The Mac Daddy made me “Jump, Jump” back in the day. But I feel it’s in poor taste after Chris Kelly’s death. Too soon guys, too soon. Also, unrelated, that’s a right angle.
Degree of difficulty: 6/10
14 The Suspended Congress
We Women
See, I like this. It’s like The Clasp but for chubby folks. Because fat people need love too you guys. Also, this position is strictly for homeowners. Renters, screw you. Nobody wants your wife’s foot going through the drywall.
Degree of difficulty: 8/10
13 The London Bridge
We Women
This doesn’t even look fun. This looks painful. Like what is the guy even looking at here? A mirror? Ok fine, I get that. But still.
“He makes a bridge and she straddles him, sitting down onto his penis. Taking the weight on her feet she then moves up and down on top of him.”
Degree of difficulty: 9/10
12 The Sphinx
We Women
I’m against all forms of sex that a) discriminate against the greatest civilization the world has ever known b) require both people to prop themselves up on both arms.
Degree of difficulty: Stop hating on the Egyptians
11 The Clasp
We Women
Is your woman big? Roomy in the hips? Does she have thunder thighs? Is she a BBW? Perhaps you should move along to the next one. Unless, of course, your man is Ronnie Coleman. In which case, good on you big lady.
Degree of difficulty: 9/10
10 The Backwards Slide
We Women
So you want her to lean back, hold herself up by the arms and somehow thrust her hips forward. It’s called Gray’s Anatomy a-hole, look it up.
Degree of difficulty: 9/10
9 The Plow
We Women
One of those made-up sexual positions that only skinny people do in porn. Actually, no. I’ve watched a lot of porn and I haven’t seen anybody pull this off. Pretty sure a woman doesn’t want to do a pushup while somebody’s banging her.
Degree of difficulty: 10/10
8 The Ape
We Women
Is your significant other a gymnast? A ballerina? Well, this ones right up their alley. Otherwise, I have no idea how you pull this off. “The man lies on his back and pulls his knees up to his chest. She sits down backwards and slides his penis inside while propping herself up on his feet.”
Degree of difficulty: 8/10
7 The Dolphin
We Women
What’s with naming sexual positions after animals? Does a dolphin hump another dolphin missionary style and call it The Human? Hope your woman has strong hips for this one. And a strong neck for that matter because that just doesn’t look comfortable.
Degree of difficulty: 5/10
6 The Deckchair
We Women
First of all, the woman in this picture is sleeping. Secondly, her foot is next to her ear. I don’t want someone fondling my ear with their crusty feet while I’m thrusting. But hey, that’s just me. To each his own.
“She lies back on a pillow facing him and pops her feet up onto his shoulders – She can then move her hips forward for penetration.”
Degree of Difficulty: 5/10
5 The Suspended Scissors
We Women
This is called the Rocky position because a woman has to pull off a one-arm pushup. So, basically, your lady is a fitness model. Good on you big fella!
Degree of difficulty: 8/10
4 The Triumph Arch
We Women
You see, when the Kama Sutra was created, people didn’t have knees, or groins, or tendons and ligaments. We were all like Super Stretch Armstrong. We’ve evolved over time into more structured specimens. So, no, throw this out the door.
Degree of difficulty: Not doing it, so don’t care
3 The G-Force
We Women
This doesn’t look physically demanding, more or less uncomfortable. And does the girl give the guy her knee pads? I imagine they’ll get pretty sore in that position.
Degree of difficulty: 4/10
2 The Challenge
We Women
And a woman is supposed to hold that position for how long? Are you supposed to take breaks? Does she prepare for this by doing wall sits at the gym? How does she suspend herself in the air without falling forward? Too many questions, not enough answers. This is 4th dimension type shit.
Degree of difficulty: 7/10
1 The Stairway to Heaven
We Women
Like, I get it. It’s been a long night, you’re headed up to the room and BAM, your wife’s ass is in your face. But, um, how is this comfortable? Her shins are digging into the stairs. Is this only for people with carpeted stairs? Inquiring minds want to know.
Degree of difficulty: Splinters