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Since they first discovered each other thousands of years ago, men and dogs have long stood against the rest of the world as allies, companions and, yes, best friends. Of course, like men, dogs come in many different sizes and temperaments. Some are small and obnoxious, others are big and lazy. Some slobber every time a lady comes around, while others are content to just sniff each other’s ass in the locker room. It would make sense then that people would choose to own dogs that they feel comfortable with, sort of like a marriage, only with less yelling and screaming and in-laws sleeping in the guest room. This means that your choice of dog probably says more about you than you realize, but thankfully, we’ve got you covered with this list of nine popular dog breeds and what they say about their owners.
9 Golden Retriever
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- That you don’t have any kids but that’s okay because your dog is your child.
- You like to brag every time your dog learns a new trick like they just got accepted to Harvard.
- You’ve got a ton of energy and need a dog to keep you company because most people just want you to shut up already and maybe read a book or something.
- You are probably really friendly and outgoing, and will talk to anyone, even past the point where people just sort of glaze over and start thinking about baseball or dinner or anything other than your never-ending voice.
- You really, really take the whole “man’s best friend” thing seriously, and on lonely nights you find yourself wondering about your dog’s famous oral fixation.
8 Beagle
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- Let’s face it, you’re probably kind of a nerd.
- You don’t mind that your dog will sneak off whenever it gets the chance because deep down you feel like you deserve it.
- On lonely nights, which are probably most nights, you like to dress your dog up in a little party hat and post Instagram pics of your “party.”
- You probably have a Peanuts fetish, and have Snoopy memorabilia all over the place.
- You have your own newsletter, called The Daily Beagle or something similar, featuring a picture of your beagle as the header and articles about what he’s been up to that you send to all your distant relatives and friends you haven’t talked to in years. You also probably have a tee-shirt with his picture airbrushed onto it.
7 German Shepherd
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- You have a meth lab you need to protect.
- You like to talk about your dog like he’s Mike Tyson.
- But you also get offended if anyone else says anything about your dog implying that he’s the least bit violent.
- You’ve trained him to attack cops, and have taught him to sniff out the landmines you set on your property in case the feds raid you so he can get to them without being blown up.
- You are a Ted Nugent fan, but you don’t even know that he’s a musician.
6 Poodle
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- You’re actually a French courtesan living in New Orleans in 1829.
- You spend more on dog grooming than most people do on grooming themselves.
- You and your dog get mani-pedis together.
- You once had to be sedated at the hospital emergency room after bringing your dog in because he threw up after eating some grass.
- You’re convinced your maid is stealing from you and you spend two hours a night gossiping to your dog about her while drinking wine and watching movies on Lifetime.
5 Chihuahua
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- You’re a huge asshole who doesn’t care about your neighbors at all.
- You laugh whenever people complain because your dog shits in their house whenever you come over.
- You like to maintain a glamorous image, but the truth is that you and your dog both just sit around at night eating cheese together.
- You like to have tea-parties, but the only guests are your dog and your stuffed animals. You take copious amounts of pictures and post them to 17 different social media sites.
- You think that the Taco Bell Chihuahua is the cutest thing that ever lived and both laugh and cry when you think about him, but you get upset and call people racists if they reference it when talking about your dog.
4 Pit Bull
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- You’re thinking about quitting your job because the dog-fighting ring is paying off better than you could have ever imagined.
- You listen to early-‘90s West Coast rap and take the day off every year on the anniversary of the day Tupac was shot.
- You once chased someone off your property with a gun in your underwear while doing crank because they said they like cats.
- You have more than one pit, and you named them “Felony” and “Misdemeanor.”
- You have to restrain yourself from punching people out all day, every day because you are sick of them stereotyping both you and your dog, and you’re already halfway through writing a comment telling me all the ways I am wrong and an ignorant asshole who should be beaten for perpetuating this nonsense.
3 Great Dane
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- You’re obsessed with Victorian and Edwardian era England.
- You have never once told your children that you love them, although you did sort of tell your eldest son that you were proud of him the night he got his doctorate from Yale.
- You once lost your butler in a card game after one brandy too many, but you don’t like to talk about it.
- You hate your father and fear your mother, who has controlled you her whole life by withholding affection.
- When nobody is around, you like to put ballroom dancing records on the antique Victrola, stand your Dane up and slow dance around the room with him.
2 Husky
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- You have the complete works of Jack London bound in leather. You have backup copies stored in a bank vault.
- You once trained for the Iditarod, only to bow out just before the start of the race because you’d rather drink cocoa with your dogs at the inn.
- You secretly think all other dog-breeds and their owners are lazy and/or stupid. Actually, you think it’s a secret, but you’re pretty obvious about it.
- You’re comfortable with the fact that your dog owns you and not the other way around.
- You have canceled multiple dates because you had to spend the night meticulously brushing out your dog’s coat, but that’s okay because you know your husky wouldn’t have approved of you dating anyway.
1 Yorkshire Terrier
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- You religiously record and watch the entire E! lineup. Your favorite is Kourtney Kardashian, even though you feel bad for Khloe and think Lamar is no good.
- You and your dog wear matching bows in your hair.
- You once wept and then complained to the Dean when one of your professors asked you to take your dog out of the classroom. You threatened to sue and even dropped out for two weeks before your dad donated money for a new law library.
- You and your mother have a frosty relationship, especially ever since she slept with your prom date.
- You’re actually on your second Yorkie because your first one was accidentally killed by an ex-boyfriend after he freaked out while you were having sex and smashed it with a shoe because he thought a giant rat had gotten on the bed.