Twitter Crazy: This week’s best celebrity tweets

Dear Mario, I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend… you owe me.

— Aubrey O'Day (@AubreyODay) July 1, 2013

You’re not the only one, sister.

Jessica Simpson has already taught her son everything she knows.

— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 1, 2013

And he will probably make millions of dollars.

i also give advice to justin bieber in my new podcast with @colinmeans. biebz needs to grow up. listen here http://t.co/i1SKwG6Guc

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) July 1, 2013

It’s official: Every human on the planet now has a podcast.

Do not ask any 30 something office workers how Glastonbury was. Trust me. You don't have the time.

— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) July 1, 2013

Kind of like asking how Lollapalooza went over here.

Dance like nobody's watching, dress for the job you want, and fuck somebody inappropriate like Sally Draper's about to walk in on you.

— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) July 1, 2013

Solid advice for life.

Lakers are putting up billboards to beg, I mean, recruit Dwight?! Then again, if anyone would stay or leave over a billboard, it's Dwight.

— Jim Rome (@jimrome) July 1, 2013

True.

If my dress doesn't fit at some schmancy event and I use a bulldog clip on my back can everyone be cool about it?

— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) July 1, 2013

Yes.

Happy Canada Day, Canada! Thanks for putting up with all of the asshole Americans who threaten to move there during election time.

— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 1, 2013

We sure do appreciate it.

One horribly inappropriate comment and you'll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) July 1, 2013

Food for thought.

I know it's not the 4th quite yet but my bikini body is ready! Xoxo pic.twitter.com/PU1zwiqyxx

— Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden) July 1, 2013

USA! USA! USA!

Friends don't let friends wear wallet chains.

— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) July 2, 2013

No, they absolutely do not.

Remember the astronaut lady who drove to Florida wearing a diaper? That was so gangster. I wish NASA did more stuff like that.

— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 2, 2013

That was gangster.

Got my thigh workout in today! (Hovered over a public toilet trying not to touch anything)

— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) July 2, 2013

You should make a DVD to share with other women.

Why must everything be so complicated?

— RuPaul (@RuPaul) July 2, 2013

Seriously.

I'm that annoying friend who's in a good mood all the time.

— Melanie Iglesias (@MelanieIglesias) July 2, 2013

That would really suck if you weren’t so damn sexy.

There is no better feeling on this good, green earth than having exact change.

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) July 2, 2013

I don’t know about that, but sure does feel good.

I want Beyonce to star in a rock opera set in space. She battles galactic monsters. I will direct. There will be glitter guns and jumpsuits.

— Gillian Jacobs (@GillianJacobs) July 2, 2013

I’d watch that.

Justin Bieber eat asshole casserole

— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) July 2, 2013

Right on, Sheikie.

Having a bit of fun today. Big hair, minimal wardrobe! pic.twitter.com/6hwjBwFDN5

— LeAnn Rimes Cibrian (@leannrimes) July 2, 2013

Finally she is using Twitter positively.

Look, we may never know whether "cracker" is worse than the N-word, so all this speculating is silly. Also, Chinese people steal.

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 2, 2013

Good point.

Southwest Airlines: Where appropriate adult behavior goes to die

— A.J. (@WWEAJLee) July 3, 2013

What is it with them anyway?

Passengers clapping when my plane lands makes me almost wish we had crashed.

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) July 3, 2013

I’m feeling you, Jim, I’m feeling you.