eldh, Flickr
Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Photo credit: eldh, Flickr
I can’t wait for my new sexy pick-up line to be, “Hey boys, wanna get throat cancer?”
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) June 3, 2013
I guarantee you that line’s been used by someone by now.
Game Of Thrones is about shitting while playing Candy Crush, right?
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 3, 2013
Yes.
If your tweets aren’t about Michael Douglas and this whole dangerous pussy situation I am just not interested.
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) June 3, 2013
C’mon, let’s focus, people.
“The fuck???” – every news anchor’s reaction when they’re given the Michael Douglas-got-cancer-from-eating-pussy story this morning
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 3, 2013
Then, “Oh shit…”
It’s not even 11 AM and I’ve already learned that Pia Zadora has been arrested.
— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) June 3, 2013
Simply too early for that sort of thing.
Android got Vine today so I may have to unfollow everyone, including my mom, boss, Jesus and you. #HORROR
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) June 3, 2013
It’s taking over.
If Michael Douglas thinks I’m going to stop eating pussy because it will kill me, he’s wrong. Dead wrong.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) June 3, 2013
That’s the spirit.
Get the fuck up. Kendra says get the fuck up. Girls rub on yo titties.Lol. Good morning you sexy fucks!!!
— Kendra Wilkinson (@KendraWilkinson) June 3, 2013
And this is why she’s still so popular.
How can technology be so advanced, and yet opening an ironing board still sounds like a goblin dying from a crossbow wound?
— A.J. (@WWEAJLee) June 3, 2013
Solid question.
No wonder old people are so crabby, from what I hear pee is just constantly falling out of them
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 4, 2013
So much to look forward to.
As I get older, I am less upset by human conflict and more upset by stickers on fruit.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) June 4, 2013
By the way, can someone explain what they are for anyway?
Let’s all take “quirky” out of our Twitter bios. We can do this!!
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) June 4, 2013
Ah “quirky” … the great catch-all.
Im so sick of people posting pictures of their meals on FB/twitter/instagram no one cares what you had for breakfast lunch or dinner #BorOff
— Kelly Osbourne (@MissKellyO) June 4, 2013
EVERYONE agrees with this and yet people still do it.
No celebrity better come out today and say that fingering a woman causes cancer. I’m trying to look forward to summer.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) June 4, 2013
That’s next on the list.
Miley Cyrus Taco Bell shit same thing
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) June 4, 2013
No idea.
The answer is, no. You cannot have nice things, parents of multiple children under 3.
— Tom Crabtree (@TCrabtree83) June 4, 2013
So stop asking.
Wait.What’s cunnilingus?
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 4, 2013
Oh, Andy.
It’s #NBAFinals time. Who do you like—Heat or Spurs? twitter.com/BarackObama/st…
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) June 4, 2013
I bet this made half of America angry.
Just stepped off the scale. I’m starting to think Slim Jims aren’t a diet food.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) June 4, 2013
They’re not?
I wonder if Jennifer Love Hewitt is worried her baby will break up with her.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 5, 2013
She should be.
A candy company has introduced breast milk flavored lollipops. No word yet on if they r shaped like Kate Upton’s tits and if I will buy any.
— Jason Biggs (@JasonBiggs) June 5, 2013
They’d sell out in a day if they were.
A man walking around with an unlit cigar in his mouth is the human equivalent of a dog proudly running around the house with a chew toy.
— Gillian Jacobs (@GillianJacobs) June 5, 2013
What’s your point, Gillian?
Paris Jackson more man than the Justin Bieber
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) June 5, 2013
No argument here.
I think all of Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends need to get together and hire themselves a good songwriter.
— RUTH BUZZI (@Ruth_A_Buzzi) June 5, 2013
She’s joking, but that would be awesome.
OK, now everybody send the NSA and the FBI a picture of your ass at once. On three.
— Bruce Arthur (@bruce_arthur) June 6, 2013
Seriously, let’s do this.
I want to go back to Namibia.. So amazing there! twitter.com/KateUpton/stat…
— Kate Upton (@KateUpton) June 7, 2013
Now about those lollipops…