Twitter Crazy: This week’s best celebrity tweets

90 minutes of Cinco de Mayo left, guys! Everyone power vomit and meet me at the margarita station.We can DO this, people!

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) May 6, 2013

Truly inspiring.

I watched the Kentucky Derby and said to my wife, “All that build up for 2 minutes.” Why did she give me that look?

— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) May 6, 2013

I have no idea.

Justin Bieber was attacked on stage by a man in Dubai, probably because he wasn’t wearing the traditional burqa they prefer their women in.

— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 6, 2013

Plausible theory.

Nothing is hotter than a hot Dad with a little kid

— Ireland B Baldwin (@IrelandBBaldwin) May 6, 2013

Make a mental note, guys.

how do you even hack the onion? do you share real news?

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 6, 2013

That’s a good question.

Don’t say ‘totes’ anymore.

— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) May 6, 2013

Totes agree.

Must. Not. Make. Boner. Joke. RT @kimkardashian: If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it…

— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 6, 2013

Too easy.

“Christmas just came 7 months early!” — every YouTube autotuner, watching the Charles Ramsey interview #deeeeadgiveaway

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) May 7, 2013

That’s no joke.

To the Media: I demand that you stop using all pictures of me taken before Amanda Bynes got her nose fixed.

— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) May 7, 2013

She’s been awfully quiet this week.

I’m interested in finding ways to get as high as possible without any drugs or alcohol.

— JoJo(@JoJoistheway) May 7, 2013

Anyone?

I think I wore it better! twitter.com/robinwilliams/…

— Robin Williams (@robinwilliams) May 8, 2013

No argument here.

“@starleigh2000: @rustyrockets Guyism? Is that what you get your news from?” It’s a news source we can all trust.

— Russell Brand (@rustyrockets) May 8, 2013

Yes. It is.

If there was a line you could stand in to not see The Great Gatsby I would want to be the first one in it.

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) May 8, 2013

Stand behind me.

Jobs that aren’t real: social media expert, DJ, personal trainer, chiropractor, architect, pilot, mom.

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) May 8, 2013

Goal: piss off as many people as possible.

Now that’s she a convicted murderer, let me be the first to say: MARRY ME JODI ARIAS!!!!!!!

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) May 8, 2013

He might the first, but he won’t be the last.

Do I get an award for not knowing who Jodi Arias is?

— Mo Rocca (@MoRocca) May 9, 2013

You should.

Wait…how did three bears make porridge in the first place?

— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) May 9, 2013

Solid question.

Going to protest outside of Abercrombie today by sitting on the floor, wearing a polo and shoving brownies in my face WHO’S WITH ME

— Ireland B Baldwin (@IrelandBBaldwin) May 9, 2013

I’m down for that.

My gift to my mom for Mother’s Day is not being Amanda Bynes.

— Melissa Stetten(@MelissaStetten) May 9, 2013

And she’ll love you for it.

Good Mornjng good afternoon and good Evening depending on where you are! Check in and lemme know how your day is going Hofftastic, Hofful ?

— David Hasselhoff (@DavidHasselhoff) May 9, 2013

Seriously, does he talk like this in real life?

The tiny umbrella in a cocktail makes no sense. A drink is already wet.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) May 9, 2013

Valid point.

I understand the reluctance of some people to eat meat, citing animal cruelty. But aren’t vegetables alive too?

— terrycrews (@terrycrews) May 9, 2013

A tomato would scream if it could RT @alanring99 @terrycrews Ya but vegetables don’t have feelings.

— terrycrews (@terrycrews) May 9, 2013

Ummm. No.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

— Alyssa Campanella (@AlyssCampanella) May 9, 2013

I feel ya, Alyssa.

Is shooting fish in a barrel a real thing? Because that sounds fucking awesome.

— chris pratt (@prattprattpratt) May 9, 2013

Yes, it would.