Secretary of Defense, Flickr
The State of the Union Address happens every year, and it’s tough to get young dudes and lady dudes to care too much about a collection of old farts sitting around harrumphing when they’re too busy wondering how in the hell they’re going to pay rent and trying to get laid. And so how do you get the so-called Millennials to care about this annual political wankathon? Why, with a drinking game of course! What else? Now the rules are simple. Whenever something listed here happens, take a drink. I’ll let you know if you need to take more than that when we get to it. Until then, get your alcoholic beverage of choice ready and get set to do your nation proud with the State of the Union Drinking Game.
Photo credit: Secretary of Defense, Flickr
12 President Obama Says ‘My Fellow Americans’
BlatantWorld.com, Flickr
Off to an easy start here. This one is a gimme and should happen right at the beginning of the speech. It’s possible that he’ll even get carried away and just start rattling off “my fellow Americans” in every other sentence, in which case we’re all in for a long night. But even if he only throws it down once, it’s a nice, easy way to get warmed up, sort of like stretching, only you’ll be stretching your esophagus and liver. Don’t ever say we don’t advocate proper drinking calisthenics.
Photo credit: BlatantWorld.com, Flickr
11 One Side Stands Up and Applauds While the Other Sits Silently
Secretary of Defense, Flickr
Now we start doing some real drinking because if there’s one thing these dudes like to do it’s to stand up and cheer their dude on while the other side sits and makes faces like your parents that time you told them that you were dropping out of school to become a professional glass-blower. In this case it’s the Democrats’ dude who is in power so every time John Kerry drags his Count Chocula looking ass up out of his chair, start drinking.
Photo credit: Secretary of Defense, Flickr
10 Both Sides Stand Up
Secretary of Defense, Flickr
Take two drinks every time this happens. Usually this means the President said something empty that everyone can agree on – or at least has to for the sake of appearances – like “America kicks ass, y’all” or “Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!” It doesn’t happen often, but when it does and Republicans and Democrats alike engage in such a wholesome bipartisan message, take two healthy drinks. Your country demands it.
Photo credit: Secretary of Defense, Flickr
9 The Camera Shows the Supreme Court Justices Sitting Stoically
dipfan, Flickr
Take a drink every time the camera shows these nine robots all sitting, emotionless like The Terminator or Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men, while everybody else stands and cheers. Sure, they’ll completely creep you out, and the realization that these nine serial killer looking weirdoes are the last line of defense for your civil liberties will make you want to scream and then move to Canada but just do what you always do when you get that depressed – drink up.
Photo credit: dipfan, Flickr
8 President Obama Pauses for Applause
Secretary of Defense, Flickr
This one will add up, and you will get pretty hammered. Every time the President pauses and everybody cheers start drinking. I have seen an advanced copy of his speech and according to the notes, there are 1,689 such pauses in this year’s address, which sounds like a lot but really it’s about average for these sorts of things. Better buy the whole case or splurge for the half gallon because you’re in for a long night.
Photo credit: Secretary of Defense, Flickr
7 President Obama Pauses for Applause that Never Comes
jamesomalley, Flickr
Finish your drink if the President pauses but everybody leaves him hanging. Sure, it will be awkward as all hell and you’ll practically be able to feel the icy chill from the room enter your living room through your television but what do you care? You’ll be drunk.
Photo credit: jamesomalley, Flickr
6 The Camera Shows Random Guests Just Chilling in the Balcony
_groundcoffee, Flickr
Every State of the Union, the President mentions some random idiot and then the camera shows that star-struck fool sitting in the balcony with a goofy smile on their face while everyone gives them the obligatory round of applause. Take a shot of something hard when this happens. Take two shots if the person is a veteran. Take three if they’re a gay veteran trying to start a small business. Take four if they do something lame like give Obama the thumbs up. Just keep drinking and laugh like a loon if they salute him.
Photo credit: _groundcoffee, Flickr
5 Whenever President Obama Makes a Reference to Past Glories or to Our Shared Struggle
Basically, anytime Obama starts in on about how we’ve overcome obstacles together before and built a stronger nation out of our trials and tribulations, take two healthy drinks. Take three if he recites the preamble to the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution. You’ll be pledging allegiance to the flag of Jack Daniels by the time the night is over.
Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons
4 President Obama Openly Chastises Republicans
JohnSeb, Wikimedia Commons
Take two big drinks every time Obama starts ragging on the Republicans for being obstructionist assholes. Finish your drink if he openly calls their policies failures and/or quotes Tupac’s “Hit ‘Em Up” in the process.
Photo credit: JohnSeb, Wikimedia Commons
3 Someone Boos or Shouts at the President
rollenran, Flickr
Finish your drink if someone gets a little too rowdy and starts heckling Obama like he’s a struggling stand-up comedian. Sure, it sounds improbable until you remember that it happened to him in 2009. Plus, Republicans these days are a particularly volatile bunch and I wouldn’t be surprised if Glenn Beck marches in wearing old timey Colonial clothes and playing a fife while a bunch of fat old white men boo and throw tea bags at the President. You know what? Just keep a full drink at the ready at all times because there’s probably a 78% chance this actually happens.
Photo credit: rollenran, Flickr
2 President Obama Tells a Heartwarming Human Interest Story
tourist_on_earth, Flickr
Take a shot of something hard if – when – Obama starts telling a story about the crippled orphan who now gets to go to the doctor thanks to his policies or a story about a schoolteacher who did heroic deed number #134 while embodying American Ideal #122 or blah blah blah. Just keep drinking until the story is interesting.
Photo credit: tourist_on_earth, Flickr
1 President Obama Calls America ‘The Greatest Nation on Earth’
Larry1732, Flickr
Drink for ten seconds every time Obama says this or something like it. Just know that by the end of the night, someone will have to call the paramedics for your alcohol poisoning. But look on the bright side, next year, those paramedics just might be the heroes sitting in the balcony soaking up Congress’ applause. After all, you’re just doing your part to ensure that we all have heroes we can believe in and that’s what truly makes America great.
Photo credit: Larry1732, Flickr